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BBC Newsjack - Series 22 Episode 1 - 13/02/2020

BBC's Newsjack returns to Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on 13/02/2020. Here are my submissions for this week that unfortunately didn't make it onto the show.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. Schools are giving teachers body cameras in a pilot scheme to tackle pupils’ bad behaviour. “This is an excellent idea, you wouldn’t believe some of the atrocious language and threats of violence we are subjected to,” said one student.
  2. A computer scientist who helped the Queen send her first email - in 1976 - has died aged 86. Subsequently, members of the computer fraternity have been greatly impressed by Her Majesty’s knowledge following the release of a statement from Buckingham Palace that said: “One was in bits.”

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

  1. It has been a bad week for insects as "Climate chaos" has caused widespread losses of bumblebees across continents, according to scientists.

    But it has been a good week for parasites with the South Korean film picking up four awards at this year’s Oscars and Donald Trump being acquitted in his impeachment trial.

SKETCHES


I also submitted a sketch. I'm still not that used to sketch writing, but I am trying to do them a bit more often in the hope that they might finally click. Please excuse the formatting, I'm afraid word to web isn't the best!

Ringo & Liam


LiamGallagher’s son and Ringo Starr’s grandson in court over affray charge

The grandson of Sir Ringo Starr and Liam Gallagher’s son both appeared in court recently following an alleged altercation in a branch of Tesco. I can’t help but wonder how a conversation between the two rockers might have gone…

FX:                         Sound of phone ringing and then being answered
LIAM:                      Yeah, this is Liam, roll with it.

RINGO:                   Peace and love Liam, it’s me.

LIAM:                      Thomas! How’s it going man, alright?

RINGO:                   We’ve been through this Liam, it’s not Thomas, it’s Ringo. Peace and love, peace and love.

LIAM:                      Whatever man, you’re not fooling me. How are Percy and Toby?

RINGO:                   Listen, we haven’t got time for this, what’s going on with your lad and my grandson? Peace and love, peace and love.

LIAM:                      Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ll talk about them man, but first, (beat) how are Annie and Clarabelle?
 
RINGO:                   Liam, this is a serious situation, they’re going to be up in front of the Crown Court soon. Peace and love.

LIAM:                      They’ll be fine man, it was just banter that got a bit out of hand. You know, like that time Gordon made you drive miles out of your way, after you said he was lazy and your wheels started burning on the tracks.

RINGO:                   Liam, please. It said something about them ‘windmilling?’ Do you know what that is? Peace and love.

LIAM:                      You mean like the windmill you drive past at the start of every episode?

RINGO:                   Liam, I was also the drummer in the Beatles you know. Peace and love, peace and love.

LIAM:                      Yeah man, mad respect. I loved John Lennon me, man.

RINGO:                   Good, so can we talk about the boys. My Jason’s worried sick about what might happen to his lad. Peace and love.

LIAM:                      It will be fine man; they’ve pleaded not guilty. Unlike that time you were guilty of leaving the guard at the station, Clarabelle tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen to her would you. Silly old Thomas!

RINGO:                   Oh, this is pointless. Please, we really need to discuss what might happen. Peace and love, peace and love. 

LIAM:                      Okay fine, sorry man (longer beat) Maybe we could ask the Fat Controller?

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