Breaking the News

Since November 2019, I have been submitting material to BBC Scotland's Breaking the News.

Writers Briefs are sent out by the programme's Producers on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings, with a follow up for a few extras and bits that need mopping up on a Thursday morning. You submit your material and wait patiently until the programme airs on a Friday lunchtime in the hope that you might hear something you wrote being said by the excellent host, stand up comedian, Des Clarke. 

I've been lucky enough to have four jokes broadcast so far. Now, I'm not going to take all the credit, as the excellent script editors help to craft your words into what finally makes it out of Des's mouth and on the air.

Each show has the same format, and because I only tend to submit jokes for the openers and closers, there are only six slots per show that I am trying to get one of my jokes to be used in. That means that there is a lot of material submitted that doesn't make it on air. 

I thought I'd share those with you below. I hope you enjoy them. 

Incidentally, if you would like to hear my first broadcast joke, (and the first joke I was ever paid for!), you can see/hear that here. 

Series 14

22/11/19

David Tennant has been crowned the UK’s hardest working actor in a study of 100 TV and film stars. I mean, it should come as no surprise that someone that works all the hours under the sun is a Tenant. You’ve no other choice these days in order to afford a deposit on your own house. 

A man has been arrested after police shut down a rave involving more than 1000 young people held at a disused carpet warehouse. It’s a real shame that the police shut it down early, as signage around the venue clearly said it absolutely must end Boxing Day. (Obviously the premise of the joke is here, but the BTN team really helped improve the flow of it as can be heard above 🙂)

Did you see this week that some Universities are set to offer degrees in emojis? That gets two thumbs down from me.

Temperatures in the Scottish Glens plummeted to -8C this week; or ‘balmy’ according to the people of Dalwhinnie.

Noel Gallagher has said that every tweet his brother Liam sends is a nail in the coffin of an Oasis reunion. Rumours that Blur frontman, Damon Albarn has hacked Liam’s Twitter account, are so far unsubstantiated.

It has been reported that before a gig in Newcastle, former Oasis front man, Liam Gallagher opted for a pie at a chippy instead of his five-star hotel’s food. I’m thinking, is the reason he doesn’t want to eat in hotel restaurants that they always serve soup as a starter? And he’s fed up of waiters coming up after dropping the soup off saying: “you got a roll with it.”

29/11/19

Tesco has withdrawn its own brand honey from shelves after tests suggested it had been bulked up using cheap syrups. Suspicions about the use of cheap syrups were first aroused, following the booking of Elton John to front the product’s advertising campaign.

£10m worth of cocaine was found in a load of frozen fish at the port of Newhaven. Police were sceptical at first as they thought a tip-off they received may have been a red herring. But, they decided to check it trout, just for the halibut. And, if you like jokes like that, Goldilocks and the Three Bears is on at the Kings Theatre from the 30th of November. Oh yes it is!

One in five Britons say people who sneeze should be banned from busses and trains to stop them from spreading germs. Or, to isolate the germs in one place, they should be made to take achoo choo. 

Gregg Wallace says he will quit MasterChef when he no longer needs the money. Over £80,000 pounds has been pledged so far to a Kickstarter fund set up by, John Torode.

Are you a fan of Black Friday? I’m always confused by Black Friday if I’m honest. I’m wondering who are these people leaving their house with these ridiculous shopping lists? Right, I’m away up to town. I just need to get a tumble drier, an electric saw, a chip fryer and a trampoline.

World scrabble champ wins for the second year running with a score of 140 for GHOSTIER. Unfortunately, this was then followed by a round of BOOS. But it’s not all bad as that was on a triple-word square, so scored 18. 

More than half of over 65’s are keeping a pot of emergency cash hidden away in case their children need it. Whereas more than half of under 35’s are keeping a stash of emergency pot hidden away, in case their parents drop by unannounced.

Donald Trump is to return to Buckingham Palace when the Queen rolls out the red carpet for a reception with NATO Leaders. All of the leaders will arrive at the Palace in chauffer driven vehicles, with the exception of Mr Trump, as the Queen insists he be collected by Prince Phillip.

06/12/19

A man was left stunned after finding Britain’s biggest crisp, a six-inch whopper that he’s going to keep in a display case. It also came as a huge surprise to his wife, as she thought his wotsit was nowhere near six inches.

Spotify has revealed its biggest songs, albums and artists of the last decade, with Drake emerging as the most-streamed artist of the 2010s. Drake’s material has been streamed over 28 billion times, earning the artist just shy of 78 pence.

A KFC ad has been banned over the phrase “what the cluck?” after complaints that it alluded to an expletive. This has led other fast-food chains to be more mindful of their own advertising. McDonald’s, who are known for the McMuffin and the McNugget, are no longer pursuing their proposed tie-in with Jeremy Hunt. 

Feeding peanut butter and eggs to some babies reduces the chance of allergies. But increases the chance of you being punched, if it’s not your baby.

It has been claimed that the UK is at risk of running low on supplies of carrots because of torrential downpours and severe floods. Farmers have said the situation is so bad, that their fields look like snowman graveyards.

20/12/19

Too many selfies are leading to young people developing a painful nerve condition known as selfie wrist, it has been claimed. The discovery has been made by parents who, when trying to enter their sons’ rooms were greeted with cries of: “don’t come in, I’m taking a selfie.”

A bakery in Norwich is creeping out customers with a bizarre loaf of bread which is made using more than 300 dead crickets. Shoppers are also criticising the loaf for its supposed organic credentials, as there are definitely signs of insect-inside.

A 35,000-year-old disposable cup has been put on display in the British Museum. Historians were able to determine the age of the cup by the markings upon it. They also determined it was likely a coffee cup, as “Ug” was spelt incorrectly on it in black marker. 

Britain’s most married man has broken off an engagement to his ninth fiancée. The 71-year-old serial husband claimed, ‘it just didn’t feel right’. His decision was reached after feeling a sudden sharp pain in his side when out walking in an herb garden. Proving conclusively, a stitch in Thyme, saves nine.

Sextinction Rebellion – have raised more than £500,000 for eco projects by filming themselves having sex in various forests. Although the group has faced criticism regarding the quality of the footage, with some viewers complaining they can’t see the wood for the trees. 

Scottish Tory MP Douglas Ross will continue to run the line in top-flight football after being appointed a junior minister at the Scotland Office. When asked how Mr Ross would cope with the increase in abuse he is likely to receive from the side-lines, he said that he’d just have to get on with it, and do his best. And at least running the line will give him a break from all that in Parliament.  

A Guitar belonging to Status Quo’s Francis Rossi has sold at auction for nearly £120,000. In a change to usual tradition, the event was run as reverse auction, with the opening bid being just under half-a-million pounds. But then the bidding started and the price just kept going down. Down, down, deeper and down.

Young children who are shown a picture of vegetables are more likely to eat them. Although, this has led to an increase in the number of young children sustaining paper cuts in their mouths.

The world’s oldest chewing gum has been found and it dates from 3700 BC. It was found under the seat of a 3700 BC bench.

Christmas Special

Latest odds from William Hill 9-4 Snow in Aberdeen on Christmas Day, 5-2 Snow in Glasgow on Christmas Day, 5-2 Snow in Edinburgh on Christmas Day, and 10 to 9, your granny to start drinking Christmas morning.

A restaurant has created a Christmas burger topped with pigs in blankets. Those that have tried the festive treat have said it’s quite difficult to get the pigs off, but they do keep it nice and warm.

A third of millennials are planning to host a teetotal Christmas this year - by serving up non-alcoholic beverages to friends and family. Giving 100% of millennials’ da’s the chance to say: “Disnae mayter, I am teetotal. I dinnae drink tea.”

Paul McCartney has Macaroni and Cheese on Christmas day – not turkey. A tradition that dates back to his time with Heather Mills, following an awkward dinner table question of, who’d like a leg.

A woman from Glasgow has accidentally swallowed her two front teeth after eating a mince pie. Knowing all she’d want for Christmas, her quick-thinking husband has wrapped the toilet.

Gavin and Stacey co-creator Ruth Jones has warned that the return of the much loved BBC Sitcom on Christmas day will disappoint some. Most notably, anyone outside of James Corden’s immediate family, every time he comes on the screen.

Yes, this is the news that Scots waste up to £235 million on unappreciated Christmas presents. Over a fifth of Scots admitting they often receive gifts that they will never use, including salad tongs, a vegetable steamer and sun cream.  

Yes, this is the story that almost half of us are travelling an average of 885 miles to get quality time with loved ones over Christmas. Obviously, some people have to travel much further distances to visit all of their family, but at least Boris Johnson will be able to treat himself with the nectar points he’ll earn when buying petrol.  

Yes, this is the news that fewer and fewer of us are watching traditional Christmas Day TV anymore. And nowhere is this more apparent than with BBC One, as its Christmas Day schedule has been accused of having a distinct ring of familiarity to it. BBC One is said to be showing tired, repetitive, dull, old, stagnated, by-the numbers telly, and that’s just Mrs Brown’s Boys.

Series 15

21/02/20

A bingo hall in Fife has defended its decision to continue play after a pensioner collapsed during a game. Although they have conceded that pointing towards the incident and calling, “number 4, at death’s door,” may have been ill advised. (A similar joke to this was actually broadcast so I was on the right lines).

Cops pulled over a man on a Glasgow street after he was spotted walking a woman on a leash wearing a dog mask in broad daylight. The unidentified man was stopped on Cathcart Road, Glasgow, but managed to escape before being questioned. Police trying to trace the man, are now following a lead.

Victoria Beckham has blamed the coronavirus for dwindling sales at her fashion empire. However, the former Spice Girl is hopeful her new Spring Collection will put the company back on an even keel, as she will soon be releasing a new line in Facemasks. 

Sir David Jason will help fans avoid becoming a plonker by sharing his life lessons in a new book. Volume one focuses solely on his early life where he spent time in Scotland training on knolls with the Army and the Police. That’s, Only Hools and Forces, released next month. 

Disney is launching a range of wedding dresses based on the designs of outfits worn by it’s on screen princesses. I thought this had been a thing in Scotland for years? I’ve been to loads ‘a weddings where the bride has worn Cinderella’s dress- come midnight it looks like rags and she’s missing a shoe. (A far better, less clunkily worded version of this joke was broadcast, but sadly not credited to me. 😞)

Yes, this is the story that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s chief adviser, Dominic Cummings has called for “misfits and weirdos” to apply for jobs in Downing Street. This has angered some people however, as when this Government were elected, they were hoping for real change.

The Scottish government is to support legislation to make period products available free of charge to all. Opponents to the proposal have described it as a classic 'bleeding-heart liberal' move, confirming they might not quite understand how the products are used.

Gas heating is to be eliminated from all Historic Environment Scotland (HES) buildings, including Edinburgh Castle, by 2032. HES will be bringing in a new employment policy in order to achieve this goal; from now on, they’ll only be employing das.

28/02/20

The owner of Cadbury’s, Mondelez International, is working on a milk-free Dairy Milk Bar. The product is expected to go on sale in the next few months, and in a hope to appeal to vegans, it will be called, bar.

The owner of Cadbury’s is working on a milk-free Dairy Milk chocolate block. The new version is set to still have the same iconic ‘glass and a half’ in every bar; so when you eat it, careful not to cut yourself.

Jeremy Clarkson has opened a farmshop - he’s been running a farm for the last year as part of a TV series being filmed by Amazon. The shop has been a surprise hit with young adults; however this could be down to the shop being run by a former, Top Gear grower.

A conductor has twice stopped an opera in Cardiff after mobile phones rang in the audience. He’s since said that if this were to happen for a third time, he’d have no choice but to stop the bus.

An MP has apologised after a video emerged of him exposing himself in a pub. Tory MP, James Grundy has said he was deeply sorry and that he wished he’d stayed home that night, instead of popping out.

A coachload of football fans were left stranded in Brighton after a premier league match, when both their bus drivers failed drug-driving tests and were arrested. It is expected to be a landmark case when it is brought to court, as it is the first instance that despite not actually driving anywhere, they will be done for speeding.

A former MI5 agent has revealed UK spooks relax by creating their own version of BBC show “Strictly.” Which they call “Secretly Come Dancing.” It was said to be popular with both men and women and was great for the team’s morale. As often after Charlie’s Foxtrot and Juliett’s Tango, there were a few Bravos and then Whiskey.   

An Australian cinephile was awarded a Guinness World Record after going to see 2018 film Bohemian Rhapsody 108 times. Although, after the 108th viewing they did admit to struggling to work out, is this the real-life, is this just fantasy?

A hidden passage used by Royalty, Prime Ministers and MP’s has been uncovered in the Palace of Westminster, almost 170 years after builders bricked it up. The discovery was made by a parliamentary aide, whilst looking for Boris Johnson.

A study of rural France has revealed that 1 in 4 men and women never wash; and 3 in 4 men and women, falsify their answers to surveys.

06/03/20

A guitar owned by Beatle, George Harrison was valued at £400,000 on the Antiques Road Show. Its delighted owner is now taking it to auction to see how much it actually fetches, under Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. 

Aquafresh is launching toothpaste flavoured with grapefruit, lemon, watermelon and cucumber in a bid to boost sales. The move has been welcomed by the Scottish government, as they are pleased that children will now get at least 2 of their 5 a day.

An investigation has claimed that Starbucks used child labour on farms supplying its coffee beans. Although the information received was written on one of the firms cups, so it is possible the labour came from Chile.

Budget airlines have cancelled hundreds of European flights as demand for travel drops amid fears about the spread of Coronavirus. One of the worst hit destinations is Milan in Northern Italy, or Lugano in Switzerland, for customers of Ryanair.

Researchers have announced that parrots, like humans, can make decisions based on probabilities. However, they did say that this research took some time, as it is far harder to flip a coin using a beak.

The Queen has told senior officials that Harry & Meghan would be welcomed back if ever they changed their minds. She’s even got Prince Phillip on standby, to pick them up from the airport.

The Government has warned that up to a fifth of the UK’s workforce may be off sick during the peak of a coronavirus epidemic. Although companies in England will be far better prepared, as this happens most Mondays after the National Team have won a fitbaw match. 

Now due to guidelines we must stress that Priti Patel has only been accused of being a bully or liar. Similar to that I myself have been accused of being a 39-year-old topical quiz show host from Glasgow.

Classic Books that would be BAD to learn lessons from:

Advice on how to look after your pet rabbit from ‘Of Mice and Men’

Des Clarke self-help book titles: 

All Clarke and No Bite

Heart of Clarkeness

Kicked in the Gorbals

13/03/20

Top Gear Live is set to return 6 years after being scrapped under former hosts Clarkson, Hammond & May. Tickets for the show have been selling well, although some purchasers from Govan have tried to get refunds, now they’ve been informed it’s a car show.

Scientists have claimed that eating fruit and drinking juice while pregnant could make your baby smarter. Although oranges and orange juice may prove to be an exception to that rule, following the study of an unnamed man in Washington.

Lettuce has been grown on board the International Space Station and NASA scientists say it's just as tasty - and as nutritious - as lettuce grown on Earth. One of their scientists is also really close to creating a ‘super lettuce’ that could feed millions. So, that’s one small step for a man, one giant leaf for mankind.

A blood-stained wedding dress, 30 self-portraits of the same man and a collection of tinned octopus are just some of the weird and creepy things donated to charity shops across the UK. Despite calls for people to donate more saleable goods, one shop in Windsor has recently received items, including travelling clothes, some barely used roll-on deodorant and a loyalty card for Pizza Express, Woking.

Education Scotland have spelt Argyll wrong in a report on literacy, referring to it as (Spell out) A r g y l e. The Department are now painstakingly checking the rest of the report, paying particular attention to the Moray village of Fochabers.

Warner Bros has been rebuked after an advert for horror movie IT Chapter Two, which included a killer clown talking and giggling, was played during a Spotify playlist of children's lullabies. Although the playlist had been marked as containing offensive material, as it included a version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star performed by James Blunt.

20/03/20

We are recording the show this week behind closed doors at the PQ studios in Glasgow. A venue that hasn’t been this bereft of people, since they staged An Audience with Piers Morgan.

We are recording the show this week behind closed doors at the PQ studios in Glasgow. A venue that is usually packed to the rafters, apart from when they recently held, An Evening with Gareth Southgate.

The number of couples divorcing on the grounds of adultery has fallen more than half in a decade. Whereas the number of adulterers not caught, has more than doubled.

A list has been published of some of the more unusual names Scottish parents gave their children last year. These included six girls named Greta, 41 Cillians and one girl called Excel. It was the father’s choice to name the girl Excel, as he said he’d been working away on the North Sea Oil Rigs, and something just didn’t add up. 

It was reported that the Dutch were panic buying Marijuana in Amsterdam as the cannabis cafés are closed down. Supermarkets in Holland have advised that stocks of toilet paper are fine, but they are desperately short of Rizla.

Daniel Radcliffe has blamed the role of Harry Potter for turning him into an alcoholic. This has come as a shock to a lot of parents, as they had no idea of the dangers associated with drinking Butterbeer. 

Mr Bercow is said to have erupted during one foreign trip after his toothpaste was taken away at the airport. Although this wasn’t a sure sign of the stress that Mr Bercow was under, it was definitely a Signal.

27/03/20

Levels of toxic air has dropped in many cities around the world as vehicles and industry grind to a halt. However, levels are up in individual households as people are living on pasta and beans.

A woman from Cornwall claims to have saved her goldfish’s life using the Heimlich manoeuvre. Unfortunately, the goldfish got into further difficulty after eating the same food, 3 seconds later.

A woman from Cornwall claims to have saved her goldfish’s life using the Heimlich manoeuvre. The goldfish is now said to be fed up with the woman constantly carping on about saving it, every 3 seconds.

A driver has revealed his bum was burned by his car’s heated seat. Arseburn berk Technique, as they say in Germany.

Police Officers in Georgia wrangled a loose pig that had wandered into a resident’s garage, saying it had shown "an obvious lack of respect for both personal space and social distancing." The resident is unhappy that the police were called, and is now trying to find out who squealed. 

Harry & Meghan have been invited to appear as themselves and using their own voices for an episode of the Simpsons. Known for its wide ensemble of main and supporting dysfunctional characters, The Royal Family have often been approached to appear on TV.

Former Beautiful South members, Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbot have announced they will play a free show for NHS staff working on the frontline of the coronavirus pandemic. Tickets will be available to those workers that have recovered from Coronavirus, on the assurances you keep it all in.

Premier League football club Watford have offered the use of their Vicarage Road stadium to help the NHS in their fight against the coronavirus pandemic. Although this has led to safety concerns by some, as the defences at the stadium have been questionable all season.

Kylie Minogue plans to launch her own range of wine later this year. She will initially be releasing a white and a red; I Chablis So Lucky and Better the Devil Merlot.

Yes, this is the news that agoraphobics have been practicing for for years, as the Prime Minister has asked people to stay at home in order to protect the NHS.

Celebrities have been keeping us entertained in their own unique ways. Jamie Oliver has come to the rescue with “Keep Cooking and Carry On,” whereas Scotland’s own Gordon Ramsay has told 500 of his staff to, “Stop Cooking and Get Out.”

With barbers and hair salons closed, many people will have to resort to cutting their own hair. But, at least you won’t have to talk about the weather, where you’re going on your holidays or have someone show you the back of your head and you tell them it looks good, even though you have no idea what you are looking at.

Parents across the country have been tasked with becoming instant home-schoolers. This is fine up to a point, but becomes a bit much when your da gives you detention for no gettin’ him a beer from the fridge.  

TV foodie, Gregg Wallace has revealed he’s never been disappointed in a KFC or a McDonald’s, but has been by Michelin-star haute cuisine. So a tip for anyone going on the next series of Master Chef, you might stand a better chance of winning if you serve your food in a bucket or a box.

A man on honeymoon in Mexico was bitten on the penis by a barracuda. Snake-like in appearance, with large, pointed heads, the barracuda can be found in tropical and subtropical oceans worldwide.

03/04/20

Picking up and handling newspapers during the Covid-19 outbreak is safe to do according to the World Health Organisation. However, it is highly recommended to wash your hands immediately after handling The Sun or Daily Mail.

McFly bandmates Harry Judd and Danny Jones have admitted the group had to break up to make up for their Blockbuster reunion. They have conceded however that had they reunited sooner, then they may have been able to play a bigger venue than a disused video store.

EasyJet has grounded its entire fleet of planes and said it cannot give a date for when they will restart. Which is still a better time estimate than most flights with Ryanair.

The Labour party has asked their leadership candidates to submit pre-recorded victory speeches, as coronavirus has cancelled the conference where the winner was due to be announced. Jeremy Corbyn has confirmed that he too has pre-recorded his speech, and that he posted the cassette off last week.

Ruth Davidson has apologised after accidently revealing the location of the MI6 Boss, Alex Younger’s, home. On learning about the incident, Mr Younger was reported to be shaken, but not stirred.

A News reporter working from home screamed at her topless dad who interrupted her broadcast. The Dad has apologised, but defended his actions by saying he thought she had said “now here’s the nudes from where you are.”

10/04/20

Linguists researching the history of swearing found the worlds earliest recorded use of the F- Word in the National Library of Scotland Vault. Although they are still waiting for the claim to be verified, as it was written in biro and accompanied by “Daz Woz Ere.”

A woman from Caister-on-sea in Norfolk is offering toilet rolls as a reward for anyone finding her missing cockatiel. Although she has admitted she is concerned that people may come forwards for the wrong reasons, and that they’ll have nothing to go on.

Simon Cowell is drawing up plans to turn himself into a British Walt Disney. Having already had some work done on his face, it was only a matter of time before he froze the rest of his head.

Simon Cowell wants to take on Joe Wicks and release a cookbook to prove he has not had a gastric band. A band that suppresses your appetite, Westlife was signed by Simon Cowell in 1998.  (A far better, less clunkily worded version of this joke was broadcast, and this time credited to me! 😃) 

Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a range of sex toys to help her fans through self-isolation. Users are being reminded however, that before using them, to ensure they are not lit.

A middle-aged couple of giant pandas in a Hong Kong theme park have mated for the first time in 13 years, after enjoying some privacy thanks to the coronavirus lockdown. Although the event was captured on the park’s webcam, but the couple did continue once enough money had been pledged.

A dog-sledding centre in the Scottish Highlands says it is having to close down after nearly two decades as climate change has "crucified" the business. Not in keeping with this time of year, the business is not expected to start-up again on Sunday.

Sir Paul McCartney has admitted that he is hooked on TV Shopping Channels and that his wife Nancy has to rein him in from making rash purchases. Nancy was particularly concerned with a potential upcoming purchase recently, but relaxed when she realised he was in fact watching, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on ITV.

A motorist caught speeding at 110mph told police he had travelled more than 100 miles to London to buy bread because it was cheaper. The driver was issued with a fine and was told he could expect 3 pitas on his licence. 

A Glaswegian, who reports they are in possession of the 'last' McDonald's cheeseburger, is selling it online for a grand total of £99. Which is still cheaper than buying one from Five Guys.

Paying for porn and sexting during the lockdown is now considered cheating, dating experts say. This has caused many men to change their passwords, hand over fist.

17/04/20

Scotrail Trains have finally stopped flushing poo onto the tracks, two years after the filthy practice was meant to end. Rail-infrastructure engineers have welcomed this, as they no longer have to worry about stepping on the turd rail.

Britain’s most violent lag, Charles Bronson has published a poetry book. It is hoped the book will show that Mr Bronson has finally started to show some remorse for his crimes, as he has written it in I am sick pentameter.

A virtual congregation set up during the coronavirus lockdown has caused an Edinburgh church's numbers to be eight times their normal size. Although the numbers dwindled rapidly when they sent round the virtual collection plate.

TV presenter Eamonn Holmes is at the centre of a controversy after casting doubt on media outlets that debunk the myth that 5G causes coronavirus. The ‘This Morning’ presenter wants to test the theory by fronting a new show which will see him set-out to disrupt 5G signals; ‘Holmes under the Jammer’. 

Claudia Winkleman says she no longer recognises herself after weeks in self-quarantine and bizarrely compares herself to MEATLOAF. Fat and sweaty with great masses of hair flopping back and forth, eyeballs bulging right out of their sockets and a voice soaring to hammy operatic heights, Claudia Winkleman can be seen on BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing.

Who knew that the song Happy was a precursor to gettin’ a fever durin’ the shortage of paracetamol by the way. (Des sings) “Bring me down my level is too high. Bring me down can't nuthin'” 

Matt Damon is self-isolating in a small Irish town after being caught in the country’s lockdown, delighting locals. Although he has denied that he is reprising one of his most iconic roles in, The Bored Celebrity.

24/04/20

TV Hardman Danny Dyer is set to provide a history class for five to seven-year-olds on Henry VIII. The Eastenders star is looking forward to teaching the kids the easy way to remember the fates of each of Henry’s wives, by using a simple pattern: Inspector Morsed, Unleaded, Girl Guide; Red Sauced, Wheat Shredded, Deep Dived.

People are reportedly having difficulty sleeping and experiencing extremely vivid, weird dreams during the lockdown. One person reported a dream had involved them trying to stock up on broken biscuits at the supermarket with a couple of children’s TV presenters, only to be pursued by an angry mob. Whilst another said they had dreamt that the leader of the opposition had actually come across as competent during Prime Minister’s questions.

01/05/20

A London tattoo artist is inking himself every day during the coronavirus lockdown – until he runs out of space on his body. The man has said that he’s “not picky and will tattoo anything” on himself. He has however admitted he does regret getting a tattoo of an ex on an intimate area. Although when he thinks about it further, it becomes exciting.

A farm sanctuary in California is offering people the chance to invite a llama to make a cameo appearance in their next Zoom meeting. One was thought to have been spotted in a recent House of Commons chat, but it turned out that Boris Johnson was just tying his shoelace. 

Lorraine Kelly said she feared she would cut her husband’s ear off as she gave him a haircut in lockdown. Her husband responded by saying he’d asked for a cornrow, not a van Gogh.

Plans to resume the Premier League season will step up this week in what has been labelled "Project Restart". Or, as Liverpool fans have dubbed it, “Project Please For The Love Of God Finish The Season, We Can’t Let These Smug Man United Fans Go On Mocking Us Any Longer!”

A Dundee woman is looking on the lighter side of lockdown life after making a bra facemask for her husband. Her husband isn’t quite seeing the funny side though, as whenever he’s wearing it, he feels like a right tit.

When pubs reopen people could be limited to two or three drinks, an economist has suggested. However, there has been no word yet as to what they’ll be able to order the second time they go up to the bar.

The BBC is said to be looking very carefully at airing Strictly Come Dancing in the autumn, despite the coronavirus pandemic. Producers will ensure that all safety measures continue to be taken and the show will end with an updated version of its signature sign-off, “keep dist-ancing!”

Jake Gyllenhall joked he's in a “relationship” with sourdough bread this week as he discussed his newfound love for making it. The sourdough was concerned about being seen as easy so ensured its status still said, “it’s complicated.”

08/05/20

A Japanese aquarium has been urging the public to video-chat with eels who are forgetting humans exist. They are also encouraging people to dance for them, but that only works with a conga.

The Thursday evening celebration of NHS workers causes a spike in arrivals at A&E, a doctor at Bradford Royal Infirmary has said. He explained that: "people are coming out banging pans and seeing who can clap the loudest, and therein accidents lie.” It has become such a regular occurrence that they are thinking of changing the name to “Collapse for our Carers.”

A woman who dug up an unexploded World War Two bomb in her garden said she threw it across the lawn for her dog before she realised what it was. Feeling devastated about the mistake she had almost made, the woman quickly retrieved the item and invited her husband to play a game of catch.

Dressing up for me these days means putting on shoes.

Series 16

27/06/20

A huge moth had a 24-hour adventure when it was rescued from certain death by a little boy in Banff – before being nursed back to health and finding a mating partner. The family were glad to finally see the moths happily back outside, but regretted trying to get a better view of the pair, by turning the light on.

The Lord of the Rings new TV series is on the lookout to cast 'funky' and 'unusual'-looking people in New Zealand as a bizarre casting call has been released ahead of the highly-anticipated upcoming show. Auditions for the part of Gollum, were rumoured to have taken place in the UK in April, in the town of Barnard Castle.

An animal lover in Canterbury hatched a gosling during lockdown and is now said to be turning heads walking his new pet around the town. After all of the furore in the media of late, it is nice to finally see a positive news story from England involving goose-stepping.

Road guidance warns driving wearing flip-flops could land motorists a £5,000 fine, 9 penalty points and a ban. A heavy price to pay, for life on the open-toed.

03/07/20

New figures have shown there was a 71% increase in drivers caught speeding in London when the coronavirus lockdown started. With some drivers in the English capital reportedly managing speeds in excess, of 12 miles per hour.

Heinz are launching ketchup, salad cream, BBQ sauce and mayo ice cream kits. But, rather than sell the ice cream itself, the company are selling a kit with everything you need to create it at home. Heinz are pleased to be breaking away from its traditional 57 varieties, into hundreds and thousands.

If there continues to be outbreaks, can you imagine pop-up mask shops being a thing? Like Calendar Club in the run up to Christmas.

Although it is possible Mr Blair doesn’t want to go into the kitchen in case it is strewn wi’ pans of mashed reductions.

It wouldn’t have been as surprising if Kieran Tierney had had an old Guinness bag. Because every Arsenal fan is hoping, Good things come to those who wait.

Most football fans were surprised it wasn’t a Sainsbury’s bag. “Try Something New Today” you know, like winning.

10/07/20

Rock legend Elton John is to be commemorated on a £1,000 gold coin celebrating his musical legacy. The Royal Mint in south Wales is to sell coins featuring Sir Elton's glasses and straw boater hat to mark his career of more than 50 years. When asked why they went with a gold coin, a spokesperson said, I guess that’s why they call it Doubloons.

Bridget Jones creator Helen Fielding has rubbished claims that Mark Darcy is based on Sir Keir Starmer. There have been rumours that Colin Firth’s reserved lawyer character was inspired by the barrister turned Labour leader. There has been no word yet from the Estate of Barbara Euphan Todd as to Worzel Gummidge’s likeness to another current party leader.

A woman has stunned the internet after she cleaned her fruit and vegetables in the dishwasher in an online video. Reviews of the footage have said that it started slowly, but then there was a strong Finish.

It amazes me that people have paid good money to use these virtual assistants, essentially because they can’t work out how to use their oven timer.

17/07/20

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has said any move to place restrictions on visitors from England to Scotland would be based on risk, not politics. Negotiations are now underway as to where they will play the dice-based strategy board game.

Priti Patel is to unveil further details of the new immigration system for the UK after Brexit. The new system is set to come into force on New Year's Day, immediately ending freedom of movement with the EU. Many people within Scotland will be unaffected however, as they are used to having issues with freedom of movement the day after Hogmanay. (A slightly differently worded version of this was broadcast and I was given credit for the joke, along with Chris Douch, as we had both sent in similarly worded versions 😊)

Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed that she bought her 14-year-old a boob puzzle during lockdown "just for fun." Although completing the puzzle became slightly awkward one night when the power went off, and they had to light a candle.

According to a survey, 73 per cent of parents said they had thought of better names for their children after naming them. “Well, it’s a bit late for that now,” responded a despondent Survey.

SNP MP John Nicolson’s cat brought a temporary halt to a Parliamentary committee with a partial appearance via webcam. At one point it was thought that George Galloway had fast-tracked his planned return to Scottish politics. (Mr Nicholson accidentally 'liked' this when I posted it on Twitter, but then 'unliked' it shortly after, but I could still see it in Tweetdeck! 👀)

A rare version of the classic 1985 Super Mario Bros has sold at auction for $114,000 (£90,000), the most ever paid for a video game. Although the buyer may be disappointed when he tries to play it, and it turns out it’s actually cake.

If I want to queue for over an hour and have a disappointing experience, I’ll carry on using the Maryhill Tesco.

Actress Juilia Sawahla has been outraged to find out she will be replaced for the upcoming Chicken Run sequel. So the age-old question remains unanswered; which came first, the chicken or the neg?

Facing a tough re-election battle, US President Donald Trump has replaced his campaign manager. His campaign will now be run by a Mr Russ Ian Inter-ference of Moscow, Idaho.

Transport for London cleaners have said they did not know graffiti on a London Underground train was by world-renowned artist Banksy when they removed it. Although this does now explain why someone came to lost property asking if anyone had handed in a massive shredder.

Gary Barlow has made the surprise claim that he was handed a starring role as a bar singer in one of the Star Wars movies – but the scene got cut. Mr Barlow was said to have adapted a medley of Take That hits for the film including, A Millennium Love Songs, How Deep is Yoda Love and Relightsaber My Fire.

24/07/20

Butter dating back 2500 years has been found at the bottom of a loch in Perth and Kinross. Traces of dairy matter were found preserved inside a wooden butter dish, made by an Iron Age community. Archaeologists that made the discovery are now looking for further evidence of a vessel, having uncovered the Anchor.

Work is due to start later this summer to convert a former public lavatory in Glasgow into an Airbnb flat modelled on a Hebridean bothy. Those looking to stay in the accommodation will be advised to make sure they have plenty of change on hand, to ensure the doors don’t open automatically after 15 minutes.

Work is due to start later this summer to convert a former public lavatory in Glasgow into an Airbnb flat modelled on a Hebridean bothy. It will be a good place to stay for those who forget to take their keys when they go out, as the doors open automatically after 15 minutes.

Work is due to start later this summer to convert a former public lavatory in Glasgow into an Airbnb flat modelled on a Hebridean bothy. Minimum lengths of stay will be in operation when the accommodation opens; you can book for 3 nights plus, but you’ll no longer be able to just pop in for ones and twos.

31/07/20

Harry and Meghan may never resume official roles within the Royal Family after claims made in a new book about the couple. Extracts claim Prince Harry was angered by William’s ‘snobbish’ attitude after he referred to Meghan as ‘this girl’. It also claims the Sussexes felt other royal households were leaking stories about them to the press. Which has come as sweet relief to Rebekah Vardy.

A Perth pub has installed a shower cubicle as a clever solution to let punters sing karaoke during the pandemic. To keep things extra safe, the pub is providing a silent disco kit, disposable microphone covers and temperature checks. When asked how they felt about the new measures, one customer responded, “at first I was afraid, I was petrified.” (This was used on air with one minor change, they added the word 'well' before the lyrics. Annoyingly I had done this myself in one draft but took it out! Still, pretty chuffed that this is the first of my jokes that has got on that hasn't needed a huge amount of editing by the great BTN Team 😊)

A seabird from a remote Scottish isle has been tracked flying almost 7000 miles to South America. Montevideo? Naw, but I think Dougie got off a couple ‘a Polaroids.

A seabird from a remote Scottish isle has been tracked flying almost 7000 miles to South America. Caracas? Aye, absolutely mental man.

 

07/08/20

Last month, The Rolling Stones warned President Trump that he could face legal action if he continued using their songs at his campaign rallies. Proving even as the most powerful person on the planet, you can’t always get what you want.

I’ve not seen Skin fasting mentioned as much since that time Hannibal Lecter went vegetarian for a month.*

Skin fasting is what they call meat-free Monday’s at Hannibal Lecter’s.*

Skin fasting is what they call Veganuary at Hannibal Lecter’s.*

*A very similar line to this was used on the show by Jay Lafferty, so it is nice to know I was on the same wavelength as a successful Stand-up 🙂

14/08/20

 

Sean Connery has been voted the best-ever James Bond in a poll. The Edinburgh-born actor saw off competition from all other former 007s in an online Radio Times survey. Mr Connery initially upset the magazine with his response to the accolade, until a transcript of the conversation was received and they were relieved to find that he actually enjoyed reading it whilst sitting at home.  

A Shetland Library book has been returned 37 years late to a library 750 miles away in England. The book, To Sea in a Sieve by Peter Bull, was due back in Shetland in July 1983 and was handed in to a library in Suffolk last week. It is not yet known what is to become of the fine that has built up by the lateness of the book’s return, which currently stands at 83½p

A new species of dinosaur related to the Tyrannosaurus Rex has been discovered in the Isle of Wight. Palaeontologists say the discovery was made after 115 million years of searching. So there’s hope yet, for the test, track and trace app.

Ethel the 6ft fugitive emu who spent six days evading police and the RSPCA by sprinting off at 30mph is 'back home' after being captured near a primary school. The discovery was made by a teacher who was surprised to see one of the pupils had buried their head in the sandpit.

A cat has reportedly learned to play the piano to tell its owners when it is hungry or needs its litter tray changed. Winslow, a seven-year-old tabby cat from Philadelphia, was taught to use the instrument to counteract bad behaviour. The system didn’t work at first as the cat kept playing the wrong notes, but he finally got to grips with it once they’d rewarded him with a tuner.

21/08/20

A penguin waddling through a village has been picked up by police officers on a routine patrol. Police were on patrol in Nottinghamshire, when they spotted the Humboldt penguin in a village street in the early hours of Sunday. The penguin was said to be really embarrassed by the discovery, finally answering the age-old question: what’s black and white and red all over.

Prof Hugh Pennington of Aberdeen University has said that “Gyms in some ways are more dangerous than pubs.” Which to be fair, is an excuse I have been using for years.

If it takes you five goes to write one simple sentence on WhatsApp then that should be all the indication you need that you shouldn’t be using your phone.

28/08/20

France's interior minister has defended topless sunbathing after police asked a group of women on a Mediterranean beach to cover up. The three were approached by officers on the beach following a complaint from a holidaying family. The incident generated a huge backlash against the officers which resulted in tête-à-têtes back at the station, although these were also quickly covered up.

Footballer Harry Maguire has been given a suspended sentence in prison after his trial on the Greek island of Syros. The England defender was found guilty of repeated bodily harm, attempted bribery, violence against public employees and insult after arrest on Mykonos. Manchester United said that an appeal against the verdict has been lodged although commentators aren’t holding out much hope, as it has been years since United got a decent result in Greece.

This is the story about the septuagenarian race for the White House. Well, I say race, more of a slow, careful walk!

And that's it for series 16! I'll start a new blog for anything I write for series 17. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed the odd one-or-two! I struggled for the last few weeks to come up with anything, but I am proud to have had two jokes broadcast in this latest run, and I'm happy with loads of the ones that didn't make it. Now to crack the Newsjack code...