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'Etudiant' Sketch - Broadcast on BBC Newsjack - S23 E4 15-10-20

As you will have no doubt already read in my essay here, I was absolutely chuffed to get a sketch on S23 E4 of BBC Radio 4 Extra's Newsjack. You can listen to the sketch via the embeded link and then read what I actually submitted to the show and see where the script editors did a fantastic job of punching it up.


Student anger over ‘junk’ food parcels in isolation

Universities are facing anger from students over conditions some have faced while self-isolating in campus accommodation. Students have criticised the cost and quality of food provided to them - which seems a bit rich considering most students seem to live off a diet consisting purely of pasta and beans on toast! A night out at the latest fancy eatery must seem like an impossible dream to most students right now…     

FASHIONABLE NEW DINING EXPERIENCE - ÉTUDIANT

ATMOS:                    RESTAURANT AMBIENCE

WOMAN 1:                Wow, I can’t believe you managed to get us into this place.

MAN 1:                       I know, we were really lucky that couple had to cancel because they are self-isolating.

MAÎTRE D':               (French Accent) Good evening. Welcome to Étudiant - the most authentic pop-up dining experience of 2020. Now, if you will follow me.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF THEM WALKING THROUGH THE RESTAURANT

MAN 1:                       Is that a single bed?

MAÎTRE D':               (French Accent) Please take a seat.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF BED SPRINGS COMPRESSING

WOMAN 1:                But where’s the table?

MAÎTRE D':               (French Accent) Your tray, madam. Monsieur.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF WOODEN TRAYS BEING HANDED OVER

WOMAN 1:                Oooh, this bread looks fancy; are the bluey green bits olives?

MAÎTRE D':               (French Accent) Erm, sure. So, tonight we are serving our 3-course set-menu. We begin with a reinvention of a classic British Starter. Chef has deconstructed sumptuous shellfish and a mouth-watering blend of tomatoes, mayonnaise, Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice and a soupçon of cracked black pepper, before delicately combining it all with slices of hand-fried potato.

FX:                              SOUND OF A BOWL BEING PLACED DOWN AND CRUNCHING          

MAN 1:                       Wait, are these just prawn cocktail crisps?

MAÎTRE D':               (French Accent) What? Of course not. Now, madame et monsieur, our main course tonight is a real culinary delight. A succulent chicken and rich mushroom flavoured sauce sits atop a nest of fine noodles.

WOMAN 1:                Mmm, that does sound good.

MAÎTRE D':               Ah, but that is not all. As an extra little flourish, chef provides you with a tiny sachet of soy sauce, which he invites you to stir in just before eating. C’est magnifique! (Makes Chef’s kiss sound).

MAN 1:                       Hang on, that sounds a lot like a pot noodle?

MAÎTRE D':               (French accent) A pot what? Sir must surely be mistaken. Anyway, make sure you save some room for dessert because chef has created a truly fun dish. Sweet and sour flavours will fizz off your tongue as you delight in the painstakingly crafted jelly shapes - including bears, cherries, and the pièce de résistance, a dummy.  

 MAN 1:                      You’re talking about Haribo Tangfastics aren’t you. Come on Samantha we’re leaving.

FX:                              SOUND OF WATER BOILING AND ELECTRIC KETTLE SWITCHING OFF

MAÎTRE D':               (French Accent) But sir, wait; your mains are almost ready.

END

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