Skip to main content

'Etudiant' Sketch - Broadcast on BBC Newsjack - S23 E4 15-10-20

As you will have no doubt already read in my essay here, I was absolutely chuffed to get a sketch on S23 E4 of BBC Radio 4 Extra's Newsjack. You can listen to the sketch via the embeded link and then read what I actually submitted to the show and see where the script editors did a fantastic job of punching it up.


Student anger over ‘junk’ food parcels in isolation

Universities are facing anger from students over conditions some have faced while self-isolating in campus accommodation. Students have criticised the cost and quality of food provided to them - which seems a bit rich considering most students seem to live off a diet consisting purely of pasta and beans on toast! A night out at the latest fancy eatery must seem like an impossible dream to most students right now…     

FASHIONABLE NEW DINING EXPERIENCE - ÉTUDIANT

ATMOS:                    RESTAURANT AMBIENCE

WOMAN 1:                Wow, I can’t believe you managed to get us into this place.

MAN 1:                       I know, we were really lucky that couple had to cancel because they are self-isolating.

MAÃŽTRE D':               (French Accent) Good evening. Welcome to Étudiant - the most authentic pop-up dining experience of 2020. Now, if you will follow me.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF THEM WALKING THROUGH THE RESTAURANT

MAN 1:                       Is that a single bed?

MAÃŽTRE D':               (French Accent) Please take a seat.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF BED SPRINGS COMPRESSING

WOMAN 1:                But where’s the table?

MAÃŽTRE D':               (French Accent) Your tray, madam. Monsieur.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF WOODEN TRAYS BEING HANDED OVER

WOMAN 1:                Oooh, this bread looks fancy; are the bluey green bits olives?

MAÃŽTRE D':               (French Accent) Erm, sure. So, tonight we are serving our 3-course set-menu. We begin with a reinvention of a classic British Starter. Chef has deconstructed sumptuous shellfish and a mouth-watering blend of tomatoes, mayonnaise, Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice and a soupçon of cracked black pepper, before delicately combining it all with slices of hand-fried potato.

FX:                              SOUND OF A BOWL BEING PLACED DOWN AND CRUNCHING          

MAN 1:                       Wait, are these just prawn cocktail crisps?

MAÃŽTRE D':               (French Accent) What? Of course not. Now, madame et monsieur, our main course tonight is a real culinary delight. A succulent chicken and rich mushroom flavoured sauce sits atop a nest of fine noodles.

WOMAN 1:                Mmm, that does sound good.

MAÃŽTRE D':               Ah, but that is not all. As an extra little flourish, chef provides you with a tiny sachet of soy sauce, which he invites you to stir in just before eating. C’est magnifique! (Makes Chef’s kiss sound).

MAN 1:                       Hang on, that sounds a lot like a pot noodle?

MAÃŽTRE D':               (French accent) A pot what? Sir must surely be mistaken. Anyway, make sure you save some room for dessert because chef has created a truly fun dish. Sweet and sour flavours will fizz off your tongue as you delight in the painstakingly crafted jelly shapes - including bears, cherries, and the pièce de résistance, a dummy.  

 MAN 1:                      You’re talking about Haribo Tangfastics aren’t you. Come on Samantha we’re leaving.

FX:                              SOUND OF WATER BOILING AND ELECTRIC KETTLE SWITCHING OFF

MAÃŽTRE D':               (French Accent) But sir, wait; your mains are almost ready.

END

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Phone Scam Sketch

This is a sketch I submitted to Newsjack S24 E4. Apologies as always if the formatting is odd as it is pasted straight from word. Phone scammers asked for £1000 to stop calling Trading Standards has announced that nuisance and scam calls have been on the rise during lockdown - with some people reportedly being stung for thousands of pounds. I had someone call me recently saying my Just Eat account had been hacked as someone had used it every night for a week, I had to explain I just couldn’t be bothered to cook. With so many people being caught out by scammers, could it give others ideas on how they could make some extra money…              FX:                          MEETING ROOM EFFECTS PERSON 1:              OK, as you know Rishi announced some very costly ...

BBC Newsjack - Series 24 - February to March 2021

BBC Newsjack returned on Thursday 25th February at 10.30pm on BBC Radio 4 Extra for a four-episode run. It is also being repeated on BBC Radio 4 at 11pm on Fridays this series so it would be extra bloomin' lovely to get something on! The oneliners and goo week/bad weeks will be on this page with links to any sketches I send. Episode 1 - 25/02/21 Onliners A female German beach volleyball team has said it will boycott a tournament in Qatar over the country’s ban on players wearing bikinis on court. In an act of solidarity, many men have said they will now also boycott watching the event altogether. Only submitted one this week as I really struggled to find anything. Ilso submitted a sketch, which you can read here: Superhero Zoom Meeting. Episode 2 - 04/03/21 Onliners A Californian plastic surgeon is being investigated for appearing at a virtual trial mid-operation. Suspicions were aroused as when addressing the court, a buzzer went off and the patient’s nose flashed red. A firm sell...

I'm sorry, I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue!

One of my favourite comedies of all time is BBC Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. It is one of the most consistent programmes of any format, and it manages to elicit at least a couple of proper belly laughs from me every episode. Some of the stuff they have 'gotten away with' over the years - particularly anything relating to the mime-master general himself, Lionel Blair, is incredible and testament to the fantastic writers the show has had. The loss of Iain Pattinson earlier this year was a huge blow, as he was an outstanding writer and he will be sorely missed.  I thought it was high-time I shared some of my own, 'Clue-style' efforts, enjoy! Uxbridge English Dictionary definitions Abortion – Avoid Swedish Pop Group Abundant – Damage to sweet roll Accent – Hatchet smell Accident – Hatchet-like mark on car Accidentally – Counting up the number of hatchet-like marks on a car Accommodating – Courting a punctuation mark Accountability – Dracula-li...