Breaking the News is a topical comedy show on BBC Radio Scotland that is hosted by Des Clarke and airs at 1.30pm on a Friday. Series 17 runs from 16/10/2020 - 24/12/2020. Here are jokes I submitted to the show that never made it. Enjoy!
S17 E1 - 16/10/2020
Singapore diners have jumped at the opportunity to have lunch on a stationary Airbus A380 parked at the city's main airport. Despite a price tag of up to $496 (£380), the first two seating dates sold out within half an hour. A recent test event ran smoothly, although there were a few complaints regarding condiments running out, as they’d only packed 100mls of ketchup.
Hollywood legend Gregory Peck cut a massive hole in his hedge- so neighbour Rod Stewart could pop round and play tennis whenever he liked. Speaking on a recent podcast, Rod’s guitarist, Jim Cregan said he and Stewart often couldn’t decide whether to play on Peck’s court or the tiny paddle court in Rod’s garden. However, for a proper game, the choice should be quite a simple one, as the first court is the deepest.
Susie Dent, Countdown’s resident lexicographer said she spent the day “under a duvet” when she realised her latest book was full of typos. She says her stomach turned when an early unedited version of her book titled ‘Word Perfect’ was published; leading to an unfortunate situation involving one from the top and two from the bottom.
Heineken's pubs business has been fined £2m by the industry watchdog
after forcing tenants to sell "unreasonable levels" of its own beers and
ciders. How depressing, how Heineken.
Heineken's pubs business
has been fined £2m by the industry watchdog after forcing tenants to
sell "unreasonable levels" of its own beers and ciders. How regressing,
how Heineken.
Heineken's pubs business has been fined £2m by the
industry watchdog after forcing tenants to sell "unreasonable levels" of
its own beers and ciders. Heineken, pressures the bars other beers
cannot reach.
Heineken's pubs business has been fined £2m by the
industry watchdog after forcing tenants to sell "unreasonable levels" of
its own beers and ciders. Heineken, regresses the bars other beers
cannot reach.
Headline News - Story 1 - New Scottish Restrictions:
Yes, this is the most controversial story about a restricted central belt since Simon Cowell rubbished claims he’d had a gastric bypass last August.
Public Opinion - Story 1 - Retrain Campaign:
Rethink. Reskill. Reboot, sounds like the last three email replies Steve Clarke sent.
Public Opinion - Story 2 - Queen's Honours:
In the recent Birthday Honours, our own Lorraine Kelly was made a CBE. Which, after her performance on Good Morning Britain when talking to Jennifer Arcuri most-likely stands for ‘Condemns Businesswoman’s Ethics.’
People in the news - Margaret Ferrier:
Margaret’s next job could be in Clydebank. She just doesn’t know it yet.
People in the news - Melanie C:
I’ve not been a big pop fan since they changed the recipe of Irn-Bru!
S17 E2 - 23/10/2020
A woman was removed from an EasyJet flight from Belfast to Edinburgh amid claims she refused to wear a face mask and shouted "everybody dies" at crew. Video of the incident at Belfast International Airport on Sunday has been shared on social media. The woman has since tried to play down the event, insisting she was singing and had misremembered the lyrics to an REM song.
A groom had cardboard cut-outs made of his fiancée’s parents because coronavirus restrictions stopped them from travelling to the wedding. The bride’s parents were due to travel from Italy but that would have meant quarantining for 14 days after travel rules were changed last week. There were concerns that they may have blown over during the ceremony, but thankfully, they remained stationery.
Ozzy Osbourne fans have complained that they have not officially been told whether his UK tour has been postponed and whether they will get refunds, days before it is due to begin. The arena tour, due to start in Newcastle, is still in the venue’s listings, with tickets still on sale. One fan called the decision not to postpone batty, which Mr Osbourne scoffed at.
Headline News - Story 2 - Brexit is still happening:
Companies need to step up preparations so they are not "caught out" by new post-Brexit trade rules, the government has said. A public information campaign titled "Time is running out" will urge firms to focus on the 1 January deadline. Time is running out (Boris just doesn’t know it yet.).
Public Opinion - Story 2 - Jellyfish Supper?:
The last time I had a jelly fish supper it was from a souvenir shop in Blackpool.
People in the news - Person 2 - Clare Balding:
Balding includes Attenborough-like information including details on how the collective nouns for groups of animals came to be. Such as: a pride of lions, a tower of giraffes and an unkindness of Tories.
S17 E3 - 30/10/2020
Royal Mail is looking to fill a record number of temporary seasonal jobs due to a surge in online shopping during the pandemic. It aims to hire 33,000 additional workers for the Christmas period - two-thirds more than usual. Those wishing to apply for the roles are being advised to deliver the application forms in person, as you just can’t rely on the post this time of year.
A member of the jury on a High Court trial was blasted by a judge for falling asleep as he sat in the comfort of a cinema seat. Jurors have been sitting socially distant at an Odeon featuring “premium comfort” seating at Fort Kinnaird, near Edinburgh, while hearings are broadcast on the big screen. It’s possible he could now face a fine of up to £250, by being ordered to buy a large drink and popcorn combo.
Finland's national airline has started selling its business class meals in a supermarket to prevent jobs cuts at its catering unit - and the food has been a hit. Some 1,600 meals were sold in the first few days at the supermarket near the airline's main hub. Meals including beef with teriyaki-radish sauce served with grilled spring onion and rice can be bought for £11.70. Which is the same price as a Kit-Kat aboard Ryanair.
Headline News - Story 2 - Breaking Restrictions:
Police Scotland's
response to the coronavirus pandemic is known as Operation Talla. Talla
is the Gaelic word for "hall". So, “Operation Hall,” which is a step up
from “Waiting For A Bed Corridor.”
Public Opinion - Story 1 - Water on the Moon:
Perhaps they knew about this water on the moon 51 years ago and Neil Armstrong actually said, “It’s one small sip for man, one giant leak for mankind.”
Public Opinion - Story 2 - Halloween 2020:
A Halloween tradition once common among recently engaged couples involved each person putting a nut in a fire. If the nuts burned quietly, the union would be a happy one. However, if they hissed and crackled, a turbulent future lay ahead or your fiancé was standing too close.
Public Opinion - Story 2 - Halloween 2020:
In years gone by scary faces would be carved into neeps to create lanterns but, thanks to America’s influence, pumpkins are now more commonly used. Meaning you’ll now have a far-greater chance of encountering a scary orange horror in Scotland, especially on the links course in Balmedie.
S17 E4 - 06/11/2020
Parents of children who broke lockdown rules by throwing eggs and attending a party over the weekend have been fined by police. South Wales Police said fixed penalty notices were issued to parents for the covid breaches and anti-social behaviour in St Mellons, Cardiff. One French parent complained maintaining it was merely hijinks and the kids had only thrown a couple of eggs, but the police weren’t interested, insisting that was more than enough (un oeuf).
The world's biggest iceberg, known as A68a, could pose a grave threat to local penguins and seals as it bears down on the British Overseas Territory of South Georgia. The Antarctic ice giant is a similar size to the South Atlantic island, and there's a strong possibility the berg could now ground and anchor itself offshore of the wildlife haven. One scientist remarked that the A68a was spectacular, and that it was remarkable that it was still in one piece. Although some have disputed this claim, especially since they built that bypass in Dalkeith.
Public Opinion - Story 2 - Baby Shark becomes YouTube's most watched video of all time:
You would think that a 'Pinkfong' video that has had over 7 billion views might have been on a different site than YouTube.
S17 E5 - 13/11/2020
A Celtic-mad great-great gran who set her hopes on receiving a telegram from Neil Lennon instead of the Queen got her 100th birthday wish this week. She was delighted to unwrap a special delivery from her hero Neil – a signed Hoops shirt with the number 100 saying “congratulations Elsie.” Following a poor run of recent results, she will now go straight into the squad to face Hibernian next weekend.
Fast food giant McDonald's has announced it will introduce a line of plant-based meat alternatives called "McPlant" in 2021. McDonald's said it would offer plant-based burgers, chicken substitutes and breakfast sandwiches. This isn’t the first time the global chain has introduced an alternative to chicken, as in 1983 it released the McNugget.
Monkeys in a zoo in Finland have shown a "significant" preference for traffic sounds over jungle noises, researchers have found. The monkeys were allowed to choose between playlists of traffic noises, zen noises, nature, falling rain and dance music. Although there has been some confusion over the validity of the claim, as the sound recorded was of a zebra crossing.
A "rare" Shakespeare book being sold by Rugby School is estimated to
fetch up to £50,000 at auction. William Shakespeare's Fourth Folio, from
1685, is one of about 300 books from the school's library going under
the hammer. To bid, or not to bid: that is the question.
A "rare"
Shakespeare book being sold by Rugby School is estimated to fetch up to
£50,000 at auction. William Shakespeare's Fourth Folio, from 1685, is
one of about 300 books from the school's library going under the hammer.
Full details about the book have yet to released, although it is
believed to have been written in some form of pencil. 2b, or not 2b:
that is the question.
Headline News - Story 1 - A Vaccine:
The developers - Pfizer and BioNTech - described it as a "great day for science and humanity". The announcement has been warmly welcomed with scientists describing themselves smiling "ear to ear" although it is hoped that this is the only current known side effect.
Headline News - Story 1 - A Vaccine:
Dr Albert Bourla, the chairman of Pfizer, said: "We are a significant step closer to providing people around the world with a much-needed breakthrough to help bring an end to this global health crisis." Although it’s unsure whether they were talking about the arrival of the vaccine or the US election result.
Headline News - Story 1 - A Vaccine:
There are massive manufacturing and logistical challenges in immunising huge numbers of people, as the vaccine has to be kept in ultra-cold storage at below minus 80C. Or, as it’s known to residents of Altnaharra in the Highlands, January.
Public Opinion - Story 1 - Word of the Year 2020:
Also on the list was ‘mukbang’, which is a video, or webcast in which the host eats a large quantity of food for the entertainment of viewers. Not the name McDonald’s were considering if they started selling fireworks.
Public Opinion - Story 1 - Word of the Year 2020:
Also on the list was ‘mukbang’, which is a video, or webcast in which the host eats a large quantity of food for the entertainment of viewers. Not the name given to what dating co-workers of a popular fast-food chain do.
Public Opinion - Story 2 - Virgin Hyperloop:
Virgin Hyperloop, or as it was historically known, a chastity belt.
People in the News - Person 2 - Shane Richie:
The ITV programme has seen the show relocate for the first time from the jungles of Australia to North Wales' Gwrych Castle due to travel concerns sparked by the COVID-19 pandemic. So, they will be swapping Down Under, for downpours.
S17 E6 - 20/11/2020
Yes Sir, I Can Boogie has re-entered the charts after becoming Scotland's unofficial anthem following the team's win against Serbia last week. The disco classic by Spanish duo Baccara spent a single week at the top of the UK charts in 1977. This isn’t the first time a song has re-emerged because of football. Following England’s defeat on penalties to Italy in Euro 2012, there was a re-entry for Britney Spears’ Oops!... I Did It Again.
South Korea has tested a drone taxi over Seoul, using bags of rice as passengers. The country is hoping to be able to reduce traffic on the ground using electric powered drones to carry people. Once use of the drones has been approved, they are hoping to transport multiple members of a family on the same flight, and not just the Uncle Bens.
The world's only known white giraffe has been fitted with a GPS tracking device to keep poachers at bay in north-east Kenya, conservationists say. A conservation group said rangers could monitor the lone male giraffe's movements in real time. The giraffe doesn’t appear to mind that it is being monitored. Although, reports suggested he was slightly agitated last Wednesday, but that’s because he didn’t manage to get his 10,000 steps in.
Country star Dolly Parton has said she feels "very honoured and proud" to have given money to research into one of the most promising Covid-19 vaccines. In April she announced she was giving $1m (£750,000) to Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville. Although there have been some concerns that the cost of the vaccine may be prohibitive for some, because of the silver threads and golden needles.
S17 E7 - 27/11/2020
Music artist, The Weeknd, has accused the Grammys of being corrupt, after failing to receive any nominations for the 2021 awards. The star had been expected to perform strongly, thanks to his number one album After Hours, but walked away empty-handed. This isn’t the first time there has been embarrassment over the question, something for The Weeknd?
Headline News - Story 1: Christmas Gatherings
Yes, things will be very different this year, unless you are looking at the Christmas TV schedule for BBC One.
Headline News - Story 1: Christmas Gatherings
Christmas Bubbles, or as my gran calls it 9am Christmas morning, Prosecco o’clock.
Public Opinion - Story 1: Black Friday
The things people buy Black Friday are ridiculous. It’s like doing a Supermarket Sweep in the middle aisle of Aldi. What did you get hen? Oh, not a lot just a tumble drier, an electric saw, a chip fryer and a trampoline.
People in the News - Person 1: Elon Musk
I’ve only ever done time blocking once; I accidentally dropped my watch down the toilet.
People in the News - Person 2: Paul McCartney
Paul McCartney has admitted he sometimes uses a teleprompter while performing so that he doesn’t forget the lyrics to the songs. Yes, it’s true; he gets by with a little help from his lens.
S17 E8 - 04/12/2020
The culture secretary has said the creators behind TV series The Crown, need to make clear the show is fiction. He said he feared viewers of the show, which is based on the lives of the Royal Family, would ‘mistake fiction for fact’ as they didn’t live through the original events. Following the announcement the BBC has said it is considering adding warnings to programmes it broadcasts that viewers and listeners may be unsure as to when fiction is being presented as fact. The corporation will look to roll this out in the coming weeks, beginning with Today in Parliament.
A family in Erskine have spent 4 weeks turning their home into 'the world's biggest gingerbread house', complete with paper mache sweets and icing under the windows, in an attempt to bring a little festive cheer to their street. The family has been praised for the creation’s authenticity as it also includes huge lollipops in the front garden, giant candy canes in the hallway, and the kitchen has a large boiling pot.
A family in Erskine have spent 4 weeks turning their home into 'the world's biggest gingerbread house', complete with paper mache sweets and icing under the windows, in an attempt to bring a little festive cheer to their street. The family has been praised for the creation’s authenticity as it also includes huge lollipops in the front garden, giant candy canes in the hallway, and the kitchen has an extra-large double oven.
An elephant dubbed the "world's loneliest" has been pictured making contact with another elephant for the first time in eight years. The elephant, named Kaavan, has been relocated to a new sanctuary in Cambodia after singer Cher campaigned for him to be rescued. A spokesperson for the Cambodian Environment Ministry thanked Cher for all she had done for the 36-year old male elephant saying, he’ll never forget it.
Forest officials in India have built a unique bridge for reptiles and other small animals to use to cross a busy road. The 90-foot (27-metre) "Eco Bridge", made from bamboo, jute and grass, is the first of its kind, local media say. Use of the bridge has finally provided a definitive answer to the age-old question: why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was in a snake.
Headline News - Story 1: Vaccine
Experts have drawn up a provisional priority list for the vaccine, targeting people at highest risk. Top are care home residents and people over 80 - or, as they are known collectively, The House of Lords.
Public Opinion - Story 1: Carol Singers
Some updated Carols for 2020 include The Holly and the IV, I Saw Three Tiers, O Cummings All Ye Faithful, God Rest Ye Merry Sciencemen and Ding Dong Chris Whitty on High.
S17 E9 - 11/12/2020
UPDATE: 22/12/20 - Thanks to the excellent Chris Douch, I found out I got credited for a joke on this episode. Having listened to it again, I think it is either the tattoo joke or the Hens, turkeys etc. one as both of the premises of those jokes that were broadcast were along a similar theme, although the excellent script editors had found a far better way to frame them then I did. I almost feel guilty being attributed for something that has been changed so much, but I'm a credit whore, so I'll get over it! 😉
A man has finally had a coin removed from his nose after it was stuck for more than half a century. The 59-year-old unnamed Russian man was aged just six when he wedged the money into his right nostril. He was ‘too scared’ to tell his ‘strict’ mother about it and then later ‘forgot,’ local media reported. When asked whether things smelt differently now, he said he had noticed very little change.
Hens, turkeys and other captive birds in Britain will have to be kept indoors from 14 December to prevent the spread of bird flu. It is hoped that the majority of the birds will be allowed out again in a few weeks - with the exception of the turkeys, who will be kept in for slightly longer; about 45 minutes per kilo at gas mark 5.
Scientists say they are "highly confident" they have discovered a new species of whale off the western coast of Mexico. Researchers have said the species of beaked whale, based on the evidence of photographs, video and sound recordings, is not known to man. Although local residents are unsure of the discovery and are accusing the scientists of going loco, down in Acapulco.
A woman who was struggling to tell her twins apart had one tattooed, leaving her mother-in-law furious. After one child was born with a condition requiring a weekly injection, the 31-year-old mum decided to get him tattooed so she could administer the medication to the right baby. The mother-in-law was said to have had no objection with the idea of a tattoo to ensure the correct child was medicated, but she wished her daughter-in-law had gone with something other than a bullseye.
Headline News - Story 2: Tiers going down in Scotland
Some areas are hoping to drop more tiers than a clumsy wedding cake baker.
Public Opinion - Story 1: Breakdancing in the Olympics
However, parkour will not be part of the 2024 event after missing out. Much to the relief of Lady Penelope, who was worried she’d have to drive her own car.
S17 E10 - 18/12/2020
A number of exotic animals worth more than £2,000 have been stolen from a pet shop in North Lanarkshire. The theft included 15 tortoises, three geckos and two orchid mantises, as well as toys and accessories for more domesticated animals. Thankfully, some squeaky toys and other items have since been recovered - and Police are hopeful they’ll soon uncover some more leads.
A study has found that Kangaroos can 'communicate' with humans. The study found that Kangaroos are able to intentionally communicate with people, challenging the notion that only domesticated animals display this behaviour. The study involved speaking to individual kangaroo’s and then comparing their responses when translated. Responses were all broadly similar, with most of them saying: “my name’s not Skippy, I don’t know anyone called Timmy? And, why should I care they’ve fallen down a well?”
An engineer investigating mystery power outages in a Scottish village has discovered they were caused by a spectacular murmuration of starlings. Villagers in Airth, near Falkirk, were bewildered by the brief early-evening interruptions to their power supply. The quick-thinking engineer despatched another bird in order to disrupt the murmuration and return power; villagers have since thanked him for the swift response.
Headline News - Story 1: Christmas Regulations
Cabinet minister Stephen Barclay told BBC Breakfast, “We've got to trust the British people to act responsibly.” Although, as was seen during last year’s General Election, you can’t always trust the British People to act in everybody’s best interests in December.
Public Opinion - Story 2: Christmas Number Ones
Bieber said: "I was honoured to meet everyone from the choir and I'm really happy that they got their number one." Whilst most people over the age of 25 consider Bieber’s music to be more number two material.
People in the News - Person 2: Tom Cruise
Yes, this is the news that 58-year-old Tom Cruise has proved what many people have been saying for years; that at times on set, he can seem a little short.
And that's it for Series 17. Of the 69 jokes I submitted, thankfully I managed to get one on air - albeit in a much better way than I wrote. We now hold out hope to squeeze something into 'Breaking the Year' which is on both radio and TV over Christmas. 🤞
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