Excuse Brainstorming Sketch

I came up with the idea for this sketch at 7.30 on the Sunday night. I then finished before I started work on the Monday morning. Apologies again for the formatting. Easier to copy and paste than type it all out again!


Experimental cleaning method using high-energy beam could spell the end of leaves on UK railway tracks

The wheels may well be coming off the old “leaves on the track” excuse for when trains are running late or services are cancelled – thanks to an experimental method of cleaning likened to swiping the rails with a Star Wars light sabre. The technique involves blasting the track with a high-energy beam of subatomic particles - let’s just hope it works better than the Wi-Fi. Trials are set to take place in Wales from next month, but what happens if it works and they can no longer use leaves on the line as an excuse?    

ATMOS:                    BOARDROOM/CONFERENCE ROOM/OFFICE

WOMAN 1:                Guys, we’ve got a problem. We need some new excuses as to why there are delays on our trains. The public are getting way too savvy, so we’re really going to have to start thinking outside the box. So, let’s hear what you’ve got - and remember, in this room, there are no bad ideas.

MAN 1:                       A fox stole the keys?

WOMAN 1:                OK, well apparently there are some.

MAN 2:                       Before we think of new ones, what about bringing back some of the classics.

WOMAN 1:                Yes, I like it. What have we used before that we could get away with again? 

MAN 2:                       “The wrong type of snow?” Eurostar managed to pull that one off in 2009?

WOMAN 1 :               Yes, good. Stick it on the board, Marion.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF WRITING ON WHITEBOARD

MAN 2:                       Slippery rain?

WOMAN 1:                Hmm, maybe. We may have gotten away with it years ago, but I’d be worried about the backlash on social media if we used it now. Put it on the ‘Maybes’ list, Marion.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF WRITING ON WHITEBOARD

MAN 1:                       Animals!

WOMAN 1:                This better not be about foxes again!

MAN 1:                       No. Not just foxes; animals are always good to use.

WOMAN 1:                They are, but we need to be careful not to keep using the same ones we’ve used before. Have you go the list Marion?

FX:                              SOUND OF RUSTLING PAPER

MARION:                   Yes, we’ve used cats, dogs, cows, sheep, goats, horses, deer, foxes, badgers, ducks, swans, geese, wallabies, llamas, squirrels, and wasps

WOMAN 1:                Wasps?

MARION:                   Yes, you remember. No one had booked a driver for the morning shift so we told people that wasps had set up home on board the train overnight so we had to cancel.

WOMAN 1:                Ooh, yes. Now, that was a good one. Ridiculous, yet entirely plausible. Yes, that’s exactly the kind of blue-sky thinking we need. Who came up with that?

MAN 2:                       That was an outside consultant I’d worked with. I’ve still got his number?

WOMAN 1:                Try him, we’re desperate.

FX:                              DIALLING ON MOBILE AND THEN PHONE ANSWERING

MAN 1:                       Dommo! How’s the eyesight? Listen, we need your help again.

END