Skip to main content

Excuse Brainstorming Sketch

I came up with the idea for this sketch at 7.30 on the Sunday night. I then finished before I started work on the Monday morning. Apologies again for the formatting. Easier to copy and paste than type it all out again!


Experimental cleaning method using high-energy beam could spell the end of leaves on UK railway tracks

The wheels may well be coming off the old “leaves on the track” excuse for when trains are running late or services are cancelled – thanks to an experimental method of cleaning likened to swiping the rails with a Star Wars light sabre. The technique involves blasting the track with a high-energy beam of subatomic particles - let’s just hope it works better than the Wi-Fi. Trials are set to take place in Wales from next month, but what happens if it works and they can no longer use leaves on the line as an excuse?    



ATMOS:                    BOARDROOM/CONFERENCE ROOM/OFFICE

WOMAN 1:                Guys, we’ve got a problem. We need some new excuses as to why there are delays on our trains. The public are getting way too savvy, so we’re really going to have to start thinking outside the box. So, let’s hear what you’ve got - and remember, in this room, there are no bad ideas.

MAN 1:                       A fox stole the keys?

WOMAN 1:                OK, well apparently there are some.

MAN 2:                       Before we think of new ones, what about bringing back some of the classics.

WOMAN 1:                Yes, I like it. What have we used before that we could get away with again? 

MAN 2:                       “The wrong type of snow?” Eurostar managed to pull that one off in 2009?

WOMAN 1 :               Yes, good. Stick it on the board, Marion.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF WRITING ON WHITEBOARD

MAN 2:                       Slippery rain?

WOMAN 1:                Hmm, maybe. We may have gotten away with it years ago, but I’d be worried about the backlash on social media if we used it now. Put it on the ‘Maybes’ list, Marion.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF WRITING ON WHITEBOARD

MAN 1:                       Animals!

WOMAN 1:                This better not be about foxes again!

MAN 1:                       No. Not just foxes; animals are always good to use.

WOMAN 1:                They are, but we need to be careful not to keep using the same ones we’ve used before. Have you go the list Marion?

FX:                              SOUND OF RUSTLING PAPER

MARION:                   Yes, we’ve used cats, dogs, cows, sheep, goats, horses, deer, foxes, badgers, ducks, swans, geese, wallabies, llamas, squirrels, and wasps

WOMAN 1:                Wasps?

MARION:                   Yes, you remember. No one had booked a driver for the morning shift so we told people that wasps had set up home on board the train overnight so we had to cancel.

WOMAN 1:                Ooh, yes. Now, that was a good one. Ridiculous, yet entirely plausible. Yes, that’s exactly the kind of blue-sky thinking we need. Who came up with that?

MAN 2:                       That was an outside consultant I’d worked with. I’ve still got his number?

WOMAN 1:                Try him, we’re desperate.

FX:                              DIALLING ON MOBILE AND THEN PHONE ANSWERING

MAN 1:                       Dommo! How’s the eyesight? Listen, we need your help again.

END

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

BBC Newsjack - Series 24 - February to March 2021

BBC Newsjack returned on Thursday 25th February at 10.30pm on BBC Radio 4 Extra for a four-episode run. It is also being repeated on BBC Radio 4 at 11pm on Fridays this series so it would be extra bloomin' lovely to get something on! The oneliners and goo week/bad weeks will be on this page with links to any sketches I send. Episode 1 - 25/02/21 Onliners A female German beach volleyball team has said it will boycott a tournament in Qatar over the country’s ban on players wearing bikinis on court. In an act of solidarity, many men have said they will now also boycott watching the event altogether. Only submitted one this week as I really struggled to find anything. Ilso submitted a sketch, which you can read here: Superhero Zoom Meeting. Episode 2 - 04/03/21 Onliners A Californian plastic surgeon is being investigated for appearing at a virtual trial mid-operation. Suspicions were aroused as when addressing the court, a buzzer went off and the patient’s nose flashed red. A firm sell...

Phone Scam Sketch

This is a sketch I submitted to Newsjack S24 E4. Apologies as always if the formatting is odd as it is pasted straight from word. Phone scammers asked for £1000 to stop calling Trading Standards has announced that nuisance and scam calls have been on the rise during lockdown - with some people reportedly being stung for thousands of pounds. I had someone call me recently saying my Just Eat account had been hacked as someone had used it every night for a week, I had to explain I just couldn’t be bothered to cook. With so many people being caught out by scammers, could it give others ideas on how they could make some extra money…              FX:                          MEETING ROOM EFFECTS PERSON 1:              OK, as you know Rishi announced some very costly ...

'Etudiant' Sketch - Broadcast on BBC Newsjack - S23 E4 15-10-20

As you will have no doubt already read in my essay here , I was absolutely chuffed to get a sketch on S23 E4 of BBC Radio 4 Extra's Newsjack. You can listen to the sketch via the embeded link and then read what I actually submitted to the show and see where the script editors did a fantastic job of punching it up. MikeCooperRP · "Etudiant" Sketch from BBC Newsjack S23 E4 Student anger over ‘junk’ food parcels in isolation Universities are facing anger from students over conditions some have faced while self-isolating in campus accommodation. Students have criticised the cost and quality of food provided to them - which seems a bit rich considering most students seem to live off a diet consisting purely of pasta and beans on toast! A night out at the latest fancy eatery must seem like an impossible dream to most students right now…       FASHIONABLE NEW DINING EXPERIENCE - ÉTUDIANT ATMOS:           ...