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Royal Summer Fete Sketch

 This very silly sketch was submitted to Newsjack S23 E5. Excuse the formatting, as it goes a bit odd when pasting from Word.


Florida city sells swans after Queen's gift leads to overpopulation

A Florida city is selling dozens of its beloved swans to the public, after birds donated by Queen Elizabeth II in 1957 led to overpopulation. The city is charging $400 per swan and the buyers were chosen via a raffle. Imagine if the Royal Household embraced a similar idea for the next Buckingham Palace Garden Party…     

ROYAL SUMMER FETE

ATMOS:                    ROYAL RESIDENCE GARDEN FETE/FAIRGROUND AMBIENCE

FOOTMAN:               The gates will be opening in 10 minutes your Majesty.

QUEEN:                     Right you are, Caruthers. Come along Charles, I want to make sure that everything is in order.

CHARLES:                Yes mummy.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF THEM WALKING THROUGH THE GARDEN

QUEEN:                     Hang on, what’s that barrel for? We’re not serving beer are we?!

CHARLES:                That’s the Tombola mummy. You pull numbered tickets from it and if they end in a 0 or a 5 you win a prize from this table.

QUEEN:                     Eugh, what ghastly prizes. Where have all these deodorant sets come from?

CHARLES:                Andrew was in charge of the prizes, mummy.

QUEEN:                     I’ve told you not to say that name in front of me haven’t I Charles.

CHARLES:                Yes mummy. Sorry mummy.

FX:                              SOUND OF WINE BOTTLE BEING PICKED UP

QUEEN:                     And what about this wine, you’re not really expecting people to drink this if they win it are you? 2008 Châteauneuf-du-Pape - surely, we could have spared a couple of bottles of the good stuff instead of this cheap plonk.

CHARLES:                I think there’s some Vintage Moët up for grabs?

QUEEN:                     What, no Bolly? Shame. What are they?    

FX:                              SOUNDS OF FISH SWIMMING/SPLASHING

QUEEN:                     Why are all these Koi swimming about in plastic bags?

CHARLES:                That’s what you win if you get a dart into one of these giant cards mummy.

QUEEN:                     Darts and cards in the gardens of Buckingham Palace?! Good heavens. Although Mother would have approved. Hang on, what’s your father doing over there? What’s he hitting with that bat?

CHARLES:                That’s ‘Splat the Rat’ mummy. Daddy’s been playing that ever since they set it up yesterday.

QUEEN:                     But that’s not a rat, they aren’t ginger?

CHARLES:                Um.

QUEEN:                     What is that ungodly smell?

CHARLES:                That will be the refreshments, mummy.

QUEEN:                     Refreshments?

FX:                              BURGER VAN SOUNDS

WOMAN 1:                Afternoon your Majesty. Can I tempt you with a burger?

QUEEN:                     A burger? My dear woman, I am the Queen of the United Kingdom and 15 other Commonwealth realms, now do you imagine me to be the kind of person who would enjoy, let alone eat a burger?

WOMAN 1:                I’m sorry your Majesty. I meant no disrespect.

QUEEN:                     Ok, good. (beat) I’ll have a hot-dog, and don’t skimp on the onions!

END


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