Skip to main content

Royal Summer Fete Sketch

 This very silly sketch was submitted to Newsjack S23 E5. Excuse the formatting, as it goes a bit odd when pasting from Word.


Florida city sells swans after Queen's gift leads to overpopulation

A Florida city is selling dozens of its beloved swans to the public, after birds donated by Queen Elizabeth II in 1957 led to overpopulation. The city is charging $400 per swan and the buyers were chosen via a raffle. Imagine if the Royal Household embraced a similar idea for the next Buckingham Palace Garden Party…     

ROYAL SUMMER FETE

ATMOS:                    ROYAL RESIDENCE GARDEN FETE/FAIRGROUND AMBIENCE

FOOTMAN:               The gates will be opening in 10 minutes your Majesty.

QUEEN:                     Right you are, Caruthers. Come along Charles, I want to make sure that everything is in order.

CHARLES:                Yes mummy.

FX:                              SOUNDS OF THEM WALKING THROUGH THE GARDEN

QUEEN:                     Hang on, what’s that barrel for? We’re not serving beer are we?!

CHARLES:                That’s the Tombola mummy. You pull numbered tickets from it and if they end in a 0 or a 5 you win a prize from this table.

QUEEN:                     Eugh, what ghastly prizes. Where have all these deodorant sets come from?

CHARLES:                Andrew was in charge of the prizes, mummy.

QUEEN:                     I’ve told you not to say that name in front of me haven’t I Charles.

CHARLES:                Yes mummy. Sorry mummy.

FX:                              SOUND OF WINE BOTTLE BEING PICKED UP

QUEEN:                     And what about this wine, you’re not really expecting people to drink this if they win it are you? 2008 Châteauneuf-du-Pape - surely, we could have spared a couple of bottles of the good stuff instead of this cheap plonk.

CHARLES:                I think there’s some Vintage Moët up for grabs?

QUEEN:                     What, no Bolly? Shame. What are they?    

FX:                              SOUNDS OF FISH SWIMMING/SPLASHING

QUEEN:                     Why are all these Koi swimming about in plastic bags?

CHARLES:                That’s what you win if you get a dart into one of these giant cards mummy.

QUEEN:                     Darts and cards in the gardens of Buckingham Palace?! Good heavens. Although Mother would have approved. Hang on, what’s your father doing over there? What’s he hitting with that bat?

CHARLES:                That’s ‘Splat the Rat’ mummy. Daddy’s been playing that ever since they set it up yesterday.

QUEEN:                     But that’s not a rat, they aren’t ginger?

CHARLES:                Um.

QUEEN:                     What is that ungodly smell?

CHARLES:                That will be the refreshments, mummy.

QUEEN:                     Refreshments?

FX:                              BURGER VAN SOUNDS

WOMAN 1:                Afternoon your Majesty. Can I tempt you with a burger?

QUEEN:                     A burger? My dear woman, I am the Queen of the United Kingdom and 15 other Commonwealth realms, now do you imagine me to be the kind of person who would enjoy, let alone eat a burger?

WOMAN 1:                I’m sorry your Majesty. I meant no disrespect.

QUEEN:                     Ok, good. (beat) I’ll have a hot-dog, and don’t skimp on the onions!

END


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

That was the week(end) that was (TW(e)3)

I can’t remember exactly when it was I booked up to Craft of Comedy (CofC), and if I’m honest this post is so inconsequential there’s no point in going back through old emails for ‘facts’. However, I can remember how I felt a few moments after I had added the three requested letters from my 3D secure password to the final payment screen - R B P for those that are interested, I’ll remember to include my mother’s maiden name in a future paragraph - I felt incredibly excited that I had finally taken a bold step towards something I had been ‘banging on about' for such a long time. Of course, about two minutes later I also felt incredibly nervous thinking about the fact I was going to have to go somewhere quite far away, with a lot of people, none of whom I knew, who might ask me the dreaded question: “what are you writing?” to which I didn’t really have a very good answer… In all honesty, I also wasn't exactly sure what I had actually signed up for given that the only informat...
2 comments
Read more

Woodbury Scene

I stumbled across a document I submitted a fair few years ago to BBC Radio 4's 'Small Scenes' programme. I remember when I wrote it how I imagined it would sound, and having read it again, I could still hear it clearly in my mind. So, I thought I'd see if I could turn that into reality! I've never done this before, so I'm really pleased with how well it has actually tuned out. Apart from the dodgy acting of course! There are probably a few issues with some parts of the sound, mostly the voices as I recorded them on a microphone in my front room, bu overall I think it sounds okay for my first real effort at this kind of thing. Anyway, enough blather, enjoy! I used Audacity to record the audio (https://www.audacityteam.org/), and to edit it all together. I also used a couple of effects from the BBC's Sound Effects website: http://bbcsfx.acropolis.org.uk/
1 comment
Read more

BBC Newsjack - Series 23 - September and October 2020

Episode One - Broadcast 25/09/2020 Despite initially having the time, I ended up watching a lot of football on TV at the weekend and every time I tried to sit down to write, I just wasn't feeling it! However, managed to submit two oneliners, so I was moderately happy. Oneliners Health Secretary Matt Hancock said people must obey the rules to prevent a second national lockdown warning that Britain was facing a ‘Tipping Point’. Leading many voters wishing they had chosen a different column, last December. Jon Bon Jovi revealed some of his latest tunes were penned in his home studio, which has been described as a ‘stinky man cave.’ The news was welcomed by fans of the band’s earlier work as they are looking forward to some new cheesy numbers. Episode Two - Broadcast 01/10/2020 I could basically say exactly the same as last week! Seemed to do everything this weekend except sit down and write! Again, still managed to submit two oneliners; although I didn't hold out much hope for eit...
Post a Comment
Read more