Parody Songs

I've written a few parody songs this year which I have submitted to shows like NewsRevue and The Treason Show. Sadly, none have them made it on air so far, but I do enjoy writing them so I thought I'd share them for you to enjoy! Please be aware that the first one does contain some language that some may find offensive.

‘9 to 5’ 2020 edition
(Submitted 21/05/20) *WARNING CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE*

Gettin’ out ‘a bed and I head straight to the bathroom
Thinkin’ ‘bout the dream where she’s wearin’ that costume
And I yawn and stretch and he starts to come to life
Hop in to the shower and the blood starts pumpin'
Knocking one out ‘fore my first daily dumpin'
Yes, folks like me are pullin’ it from 9 to 5

Wankin' 9 to 5, while the gov’ment pays my mortgage
Bein’ furloughed’s fine, it's all Netflixin' and chillin'
Don’t just use your mind why not buy some pornhub credit
But enough so that you really don’t regret it

9 to 5, for self-love with devotion
You would think that I would have bought a lot more lotion
Pr’fer to get some head but my girl don’t wanna see me
I’m scared sometimes that lady’s gonna dump me

You eat ice cream cos’ it don’t matter
All that’s on your mind is baby batter
And all your meals are from the takeaway
You’ve spanked it twice an hour since you’ve been in lock down
Waitin' for deliveries from the Amazon man
Hopin’ to Christ that he’s brought toilet roll today

Wankin' 9 to 5, while the gov’ment pays my mortgage
Bein’ furloughed’s fine, it's all Netflixin' and chillin'
Don’t just use your mind why not buy some pornhub credit
But just enough so that you really don’t regret it

9 to 5, yeah you’ve got to where you want to
What-a ‘bout a wife, and you think about it, don't you?
It’s so hard to find, one that you won’t easily sicken
When you spend your life chokin’ on your chicken

9 to 5, whoa what a way to make a livin’
Bein’ furloughed’s fine, it's all Netflixin' and chillin'
Don’t just use your mind why not buy some pornhub credit
But enough so that you really don’t regret it

9 to 5, yeah you’ve got to where you want to
FADE OUT ON NEXT LINE
What-a ‘bout a wife, and you think about it, don't you?


The following song was submitted before the US Election but the show was broadcast after the result was announced, otherwise it may have worked!

“Is it Trump or is it Joe”
- to the tune of The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go”

U.S. you got to let me know
Is it Trump or is it Joe?
If you don’t set a deadline
You’ll be there ‘til the end of time
So come on and let us know
Is it Trump or is it Joe

It’s always sleaze sleaze sleaze
Trump likes it when you’re on your knees
One day he’ll grab and next change tack
So if you want him off your back
Well come on and let us know
Is it Trump or is it Joe

Is it Trump or is it Joe now?
Is it Trump or is it Joe now?
If it’s Joe there could be trouble
And if it’s Trump it will be double
So come on and let us know

This non-decision's buggin' me (esta no-decisión me molesta)
If you don't want Trump, set Joe free (Si no me quieres Trump, Joe librame)
Exactly who won we can’t see (Dime! quien ganó no podemos ver)
Don't you know which votes even befit me? (¿No sabes qué votos me dividen?)
Come on and let us know (Pero tienes que decir)
Should I call it for good old Joe? (¿Me debo ir o quedarme?)

Split

(Doble! ¿Debería llamarlo por el bueno de Joe?)
(Esperda)
(Rrattarrattarrattaa...)

Is it Trump or is it Joe now? (Yo me enfrio o lo soplo)
Is it Trump or is it Joe now? (Yo me enfrio o lo soplo)
If it’s Joe there could be trouble (Si me voy, va a haber peligro)
And if it’s Trump it will be double (Si me quedo, es doble)
So you gotta let us know (Pero que tienes que decir)
Should I call it for good old Joe?  (¿Me frío o lo soplo?)
Is it Trump or is it Joe now? (Yo me enfrio o lo soplo)
If it’s Joe there could be trouble (Si me voy, va a haber peligro)
And if it’s Trump it will be double (Si me quedo, es doble)
So you gotta let us know (Pero que tienes que decir)
Is it Trump or is it Joe.

England, we win shootouts – to the tune of Yes Sir I can boogie by Baccara

England
You guys now have some competition
We’ve made the Euros
And they’ve already made the draw
Wembley, may wanna keep its reputation
As top home nation
You’d better hope it’s not a draw
Oooohh! Hey England, we win shootouts
We don’t miss from just 12-yards
We win shootouts, shootouts wootouts when it counts
Hey England, we win shootouts
We put the ball, right in the net
We win shootouts, shootouts wootouts when it counts
Columbia?
I don’t mean those last 16 games
I’m talking semis
Or finals when it really counts
England, you may have hoped that it can’t get worse but then you drew us
And you will hear it in our chants
Oooohh! Hey, England, we win shootouts
We don’t miss from just 12-yards
We win shootouts, shootouts wootouts when it counts
Hey England, we win shootouts
We put the ball, right in the net
We win shootouts, shootouts wootouts when it counts
Hey England, we win shootouts
We put the ball, right in the net
We win shootouts, shootouts wootouts when it counts
Hey England, we win shootouts
We don’t miss from just 12-yards
We win shootouts, shootouts wootouts when it counts
Hey England, we win shootouts
We put the ball, right in the net
We win shootouts, shootouts wootouts when it counts
Hey England, we win shootouts
We put the ball, right in the net
We win shootouts, shootouts wootouts when it counts
Hey England, we win shootouts
We put the ball, right in the net
We win shootouts, shootouts wootouts when it counts

Free and Safe Vaccine – to the tune of Yellow Submarine by The Beatles

As this virus is airborne
We all act so carefully
And to get back to our lives
We endure these quarantines
So we stopped seeing our mums
And our hands are squeaky clean
But we’ll soon be with our faves
With a free and safe vaccine

All we need is a free and safe vaccine
a free and safe vaccine, a free and safe vaccine
All we need is a free and safe vaccine
a free and safe vaccine, a free and safe vaccine

And our friends are all just bored
Quizzing on a Zoom is now a chore
And the broadband starts to fray

All we need is a free and safe vaccine
a free and safe vaccine, a free and safe vaccine
All we need is a free and safe vaccine
a free and safe vaccine, a free and safe vaccine

(Full speed ahead Mr. Pfizer, full speed ahead
Full speed ahead it is, Sergeant
Action station, action station
Aye, aye, sir, fire
Captain, captain)

As the lockdown’s almost eased
Everyone of us has all we need (has all we need)
Toilet rolls (toilet rolls) pasta and beans (pasta and beans)
With our free (with our free) and safe vaccine (and, safe vaccine, ha ha)

All we need is a free and safe vaccine
a free and safe vaccine, a free and safe vaccine
All we need is a free and safe vaccine
a free and safe vaccine, a free and safe vaccine
All we need is a free and safe vaccine
a free and safe vaccine, a free and safe vaccine
All we need is a free and safe vaccine
a free and safe vaccine, a free and safe vaccine

Stop The Covid Please – to the tune of Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie

Hey, Mr. Johnson please come over here
Stop saying we are doing splendidly
We’re all very tired, of all of your lies
Please just talk to us sensibly
Oh I say it's tough, We’ve all had enough
Won’t you stop the Covid please?

You gave us a fright, almost every night
With your Downing Street Daily Briefs
That is when we’d say, oh Christ him again
Won’t you stop the Covid please?

Valance, Whitty by your side
Behind the science you tried to hide
We should all be hugging now
Or going in the homes of those we love

Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb
Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb
Dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb, dumb-dumb-dumb,
dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb
Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb
Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb
Dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb, dumb-dumb-dumb,
dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb
Wish it had been cured for Christmas.

Kerching! That's another deal for another friend
To provide you with PPE
But if it doesn’t work, you won’t look a jerk
You’ll blame someone else incredulously
All that we ask is please stop
Won’t you stop the Covid please

Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb
Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb
Dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb, dumb-dumb-dumb,
dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb
Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb
Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb
Dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb, dumb-dumb-dumb,
dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb
Wish it had been cured for Christmas.

Wish we could be hugging now
Or meeting up with those we love
Instead we all should stay at home
Protecting the lives of everyone

It won’t go away for Christmas.

Wellerman - NHS Version

Episode One of the third series of The Treason Show was an NHS special. I submitted the first few lines of an NHS Wellerman parody, but they went a different way with it on the show. I thought I'd share what I'd done with the good people of the internet. Maybe one day (when the tonguing' is done) I'll complete it...

 

There now is a scheme available to thee
Been around since the time of Clement Attlee
If you’re feeling ill, or rather run-down
Go, to the hospital, Go (huh)

Bang then the NHS drum
For keeping us safe when illness come
One day, when this government’s done
We'll pay them decent dough

She’s had her numbers cut right to the core
With the Tories hell bent on cutting her more
But Corona’s shown what the good called for
To keep her fire aglow (huh)

Bang then the NHS drum
For keeping us safe when illness come
One day, when this government’s done
We'll pay them decent dough