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500 Words - Best Man's Speech

I was recently asked to complete a creative writing task, a number of you will know what for, but for anyone at work that reads this, it was just for a bit of fun. Anyway, the task was: 'write a speech for the best man or matron of honour at the wedding of two people who REALLY shouldn’t be marrying each other (500 words).' Here is what I submitted.


Well, here we are then – there’s no going back now. My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; Trevor – firstly, those of you who didn’t think today would ever happen - and you know who you are - I’ll be along to collect as soon as I have finished this speech. Please don’t try to disappear anywhere! That includes you John, Andy, (beat, quietly) the Mother of the bride. Now, you may not know, or even care, who I am, but Tim and I have known each other since middle school. And, after recently losing an intense, at times brutal, rock, paper, scissors contest, I was confirmed as his best man. Seriously, who chooses paper? Damn you to hell, Gary! Anyway, I digress. My name is Mark; please will you allow me to take you back six years - metaphorically, of course, there’s no DeLorean in the car park. If there were I definitely wouldn’t be here – snip, snip Gary! Where was I? Yes, six years ago - on the day when Tim first introduced me to Sarah. All I could muster to say to Tim that day was, how? And, in the intervening time since, I still haven’t managed to get remotely close to figuring it out? Seriously; Sarah is a smart, beautiful, young (ish) woman with a great job and excellent future prospects. Whereas Tim, is…Tim? He’s not exactly smart, he’s at best a six, he’s old(er), he’s never kept a job for more than a few months and his future prospects are on a par with those of Donald Trump. Sorry, that’s a little harsh on him; Trump has far less chance of ending up in prison. Nevertheless, we sat in a church earlier and heard Tim and Sarah declare their undying love for one another. I think it was Aristotle who said: “love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” Beautiful. Unfortunately, for Sarah, the only soul Tim possesses is an Are. I’ll give you a second to think about that one. Wait, Billy’s got it. They understand so much at that age don’t they. Now, I’m not saying love is simple, we all know it is a complicated beast. Sometimes you have absolutely no control over whom you fall in love with. It is for that reason I am fully of the belief that there is someone out there for everybody. And, I think we can all agree today pretty much concretely proves this theory. I Give It a Year. (beat) Sorry, that’s an unfortunate place for a page break. I give it a year, is a film that was released in 2013 – hmmm, not sure why that’s in there? Anyway, I think I have taken enough of your time, and I’m desperate for a drink. So, could I ask you all to please raise your glasses and wish Sarah all the luck in the world as she embarks on her new life with her husband, Tim. Yes, seriously? The Bride and Groom.

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