What with these feet?

This was a sketch I submitted to Series 24 Epsiode 1 of Newsjack. I like the premise, but I appreciate it probably needed a few more laughs and the end was pretty weak. Anyway, go easy on it! Apologies once again for any formatting issues. It is copied straight from the Word template. Smart materials: From tiny robots to colour-swapping clothes Imagine concrete bridges that can heal cracks without human intervention, or tiny machines that can be injected into the body to treat disease. These are just two applications for a category of ‘animate smart materials’ that change and adapt to their environment that, according to a new report, have the potential to transform the way we live. Personally, until they can develop something that automatically changes what I’m eating depending on what I’m watching then I’m not that impressed. It seems however there those with some deep concerns over the potential of these smart materials…             SUP...

BBC Newsjack returned on Thursday 25th February at 10.30pm on BBC Radio 4 Extra for a four-episode run. It is also being repeated on BBC Radio 4 at 11pm on Fridays this series so it would be extra bloomin' lovely to get something on! The oneliners and goo week/bad weeks will be on this page with links to any sketches I send. Episode 1 - 25/02/21 Onliners A female German beach volleyball team has said it will boycott a tournament in Qatar over the country’s ban on players wearing bikinis on court. In an act of solidarity, many men have said they will now also boycott watching the event altogether. Only submitted one this week as I really struggled to find anything. Ilso submitted a sketch, which you can read here: Superhero Zoom Meeting. Episode 2 - 04/03/21 Onliners A Californian plastic surgeon is being investigated for appearing at a virtual trial mid-operation. Suspicions were aroused as when addressing the court, a buzzer went off and the patient’s nose flashed red. A firm sell...

BBC Radio Scotland's Breaking the news started its latest 10-week run on 19th February 2021. Please see my submissions below. Hopefully some of these will have green text at some point to indicate they made it on air! Jump to: Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6 Episode 7 Episode 8 Episode 9 Episode 11 Episode 1 - 19/02/21 Openers & closers Nestle has announced that they are launching a vegan Kit-Kat. The plant-based bar, named Kit-Kat V, was created following public demand. People are hopeful that those enjoying the product will now ‘have a break’ from telling everyone that they are vegan. Coca-Cola is to test a paper bottle as part of a longer-term bid to eliminate plastic from its packaging entirely. The prototype is made by a Danish company from an extra-strong paper shell that still contains a thin plastic liner. Or, as it used to be known, a straw. A Lib Dem MSP has apologised after swearing at a female minister ...

On 3rd December at 10.39am I submitted the following sketch to The Treason Show. Sadly, later that day I noticed a sketch doing the rounds that was almost entirely the same in its concept, albeit with different songs. I knew straight away that mine would never see the light of day as that sketch had had over 2 million views in the first 24 hours. Anyway, thought it should have a home somewhere. So let's imagine what might have been... Sketch: Now That’s What I Call A Covid Christmas VO: Now That’s What I Call A Covid Christmas! All of your holiday favourites - updated for 2020 - including: (Caption & VO) All I Want for Christmas is Flu (Caption & VO) Fatality Rate of New York (Caption & VO) Not Driving Home For Christmas VO: And, it wouldn’t be Christmas without this updated classic from Wham! (To the tune of Last Christmas  by Wham!. Mark dressed like George Michael and Andrew Ridgely? They pull their masks up before singing.) 🎶Mask Christmas, 2 metres apart  ...

I was recently asked to complete a creative writing task, a number of you will know what for, but for anyone at work that reads this, it was just for a bit of fun. Anyway, the task was: 'write a speech for the best man or matron of honour at the wedding of two people who REALLY shouldn’t be marrying each other (500 words).' Here is what I submitted. Well, here we are then – there’s no going back now. My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; Trevor – firstly, those of you who didn’t think today would ever happen - and you know who you are - I’ll be along to collect as soon as I have finished this speech. Please don’t try to disappear anywhere! That includes you John, Andy, (beat, quietly) the Mother of the bride. Now, you may not know, or even care, who I am, but Tim and I have known each other since middle school. And, after recently losing an intense, at times brutal, rock, paper, scissors contest, I was confirmed as his best man. Seriously, who chooses paper? Damn you ...

I've written a few parody songs this year which I have submitted to shows like NewsRevue and The Treason Show . Sadly, none have them made it on air so far, but I do enjoy writing them so I thought I'd share them for you to enjoy! Please be aware that the first one does contain some language that some may find offensive. ‘9 to 5’ 2020 edition (Submitted 21/05/20) *WARNING CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE* Gettin’ out ‘a bed and I head straight to the bathroom Thinkin’ ‘bout the dream where she’s wearin’ that costume And I yawn and stretch and he starts to come to life Hop in to the shower and the blood starts pumpin' Knocking one out ‘fore my first daily dumpin' Yes, folks like me are pullin’ it from 9 to 5 Wankin' 9 to 5, while the gov’ment pays my mortgage Bein’ furloughed’s fine, it's all Netflixin' and chillin' Don’t just use your mind why not buy some pornhub credit But enough so that you really don’t regret it 9 to 5, for self-love with devotion You woul...

I came up with the idea for this sketch at 7.30 on the Sunday night. I then finished before I started work on the Monday morning. Apologies again for the formatting. Easier to copy and paste than type it all out again! Experimental cleaning method using high-energy beam could spell the end of leaves on UK railway tracks The wheels may well be coming off the old “leaves on the track” excuse for when trains are running late or services are cancelled – thanks to an experimental method of cleaning likened to swiping the rails with a Star Wars light sabre. The technique involves blasting the track with a high-energy beam of subatomic particles - let’s just hope it works better than the Wi-Fi. Trials are set to take place in Wales from next month, but what happens if it works and they can no longer use leaves on the line as an excuse?      ATMOS:                     BOARDROOM/...