What with these feet?

On 3rd December at 10.39am I submitted the following sketch to The Treason Show. Sadly, later that day I noticed a sketch doing the rounds that was almost entirely the same in its concept, albeit with different songs. I knew straight away that mine would never see the light of day as that sketch had had over 2 million views in the first 24 hours. Anyway, thought it should have a home somewhere. So let's imagine what might have been... Sketch: Now That’s What I Call A Covid Christmas VO: Now That’s What I Call A Covid Christmas! All of your holiday favourites - updated for 2020 - including: (Caption & VO) All I Want for Christmas is Flu (Caption & VO) Fatality Rate of New York (Caption & VO) Not Driving Home For Christmas VO: And, it wouldn’t be Christmas without this updated classic from Wham! (To the tune of Last Christmas  by Wham!. Mark dressed like George Michael and Andrew Ridgely? They pull their masks up before singing.) 🎶Mask Christmas, 2 metres apart    But yo

I was recently asked to complete a creative writing task, a number of you will know what for, but for anyone at work that reads this, it was just for a bit of fun. Anyway, the task was: 'write a speech for the best man or matron of honour at the wedding of two people who REALLY shouldn’t be marrying each other (500 words).' Here is what I submitted. Well, here we are then – there’s no going back now. My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; Trevor – firstly, those of you who didn’t think today would ever happen - and you know who you are - I’ll be along to collect as soon as I have finished this speech. Please don’t try to disappear anywhere! That includes you John, Andy, (beat, quietly) the Mother of the bride. Now, you may not know, or even care, who I am, but Tim and I have known each other since middle school. And, after recently losing an intense, at times brutal, rock, paper, scissors contest, I was confirmed as his best man. Seriously, who chooses paper? Damn you

I've written a few parody songs this year which I have submitted to shows like NewsRevue and The Treason Show . Sadly, none have them made it on air so far, but I do enjoy writing them so I thought I'd share them for you to enjoy! Please be aware that the first one does contain some language that some may find offensive. ‘9 to 5’ 2020 edition (Submitted 21/05/20) *WARNING CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE* Gettin’ out ‘a bed and I head straight to the bathroom Thinkin’ ‘bout the dream where she’s wearin’ that costume And I yawn and stretch and he starts to come to life Hop in to the shower and the blood starts pumpin' Knocking one out ‘fore my first daily dumpin' Yes, folks like me are pullin’ it from 9 to 5 Wankin' 9 to 5, while the gov’ment pays my mortgage Bein’ furloughed’s fine, it's all Netflixin' and chillin' Don’t just use your mind why not buy some pornhub credit But enough so that you really don’t regret it 9 to 5, for self-love with devotion You woul

I came up with the idea for this sketch at 7.30 on the Sunday night. I then finished before I started work on the Monday morning. Apologies again for the formatting. Easier to copy and paste than type it all out again! Experimental cleaning method using high-energy beam could spell the end of leaves on UK railway tracks The wheels may well be coming off the old “leaves on the track” excuse for when trains are running late or services are cancelled – thanks to an experimental method of cleaning likened to swiping the rails with a Star Wars light sabre. The technique involves blasting the track with a high-energy beam of subatomic particles - let’s just hope it works better than the Wi-Fi. Trials are set to take place in Wales from next month, but what happens if it works and they can no longer use leaves on the line as an excuse?      ATMOS:                     BOARDROOM/CONFERENCE ROOM/OFFICE WOMAN 1:                 Guys, we’ve got a problem. We need some new excuses as to w

Breaking the News is a topical comedy show on BBC Radio Scotland that is hosted by Des Clarke and airs at 1.30pm on a Friday. Series 17 runs from 16/10/2020 - 24/12/2020. Here are jokes I submitted to the show that never made it. Enjoy!  S17 E1 - 16/10/2020 Singapore diners have jumped at the opportunity to have lunch on a stationary Airbus A380 parked at the city's main airport. Despite a price tag of up to $496 (£380), the first two seating dates sold out within half an hour. A recent test event ran smoothly, although there were a few complaints regarding condiments running out, as they’d only packed 100mls of ketchup. Hollywood legend Gregory Peck cut a massive hole in his hedge- so neighbour Rod Stewart could pop round and play tennis whenever he liked. Speaking on a recent podcast, Rod’s guitarist, Jim Cregan said he and Stewart often couldn’t decide whether to play on Peck’s court or the tiny paddle court in Rod’s garden. However, for a proper game, the choice should be quit

 This very silly sketch was submitted to Newsjack S23 E5. Excuse the formatting, as it goes a bit odd when pasting from Word. Florida city sells swans after Queen's gift leads to overpopulation A Florida city is selling dozens of its beloved swans to the public, after birds donated by Queen Elizabeth II in 1957 led to overpopulation. The city is charging $400 per swan and the buyers were chosen via a raffle. Imagine if the Royal Household embraced a similar idea for the next Buckingham Palace Garden Party…       ROYAL SUMMER FETE ATMOS:                     ROYAL RESIDENCE GARDEN FETE/FAIRGROUND AMBIENCE FOOTMAN:                The gates will be opening in 10 minutes your Majesty. QUEEN:                      Right you are, Caruthers. Come along Charles, I want to make sure that everything is in order. CHARLES:                 Yes mummy. FX:                               SOUNDS OF THEM WALKING THROUGH THE GARDEN QUEEN:                      Hang on, what’s that b